Being Yourself

Sometimes being the “odd one out” factor is scary to all of us. So we Copy. Someone once asked, "When we are all born originals, why do so many of us die copies?"

Child is original:

When a child is born he’s natural himself and unknown to the complications of world. It is in the DNA of us humans that implant certain features into him through which a child quickly develops to adjust and react to his environment. He “imitates” , he imitates his elders, he imitates his siblings, he imitates animals and slowly and steadily growing up he understands imitating certain actions are a way of doing things or so called “discipline” to be HUMAN.

With every step a child takes in his life he’s given “dos and don’ts” from his family, friends and society. It might be out of sheer protection but eventually an amiable person develops the “fear of being different from others” and this is what makes him stop being what he is.

*Amit engineer aged 68 confesses “ I always wanted to be a singer but those days nobody had the freedom to do what they wanted to, neither were there so many options nor did the society accept it as a well to do profession. Today my children and grand children inspire me to learn music and do what I always wanted to do unlike my elders. ” He might be just one of those who have suppressed their wishes and willingness to the fear of being different. Afraid to come out in open face society, afraid of rebukes from elders or afraid to face the unknown destiny which lies at the end of their choice could be one of many reasons that might have scared them. For how long people tolerate it and that too unknowingly is still unknown. We might not even know “that we do copy”.

Herd mentality and Ancient India:

An interesting and natural factor that breeds within all human beings is that we feel comfortable in herd. It is sort of a herd mentality doing exactly what the others are doing. Herd mentality is “how people are influenced by their peers to adopt certain behaviors, follow trends, and/or purchase items” from social customs to personal dressing, from latest technology to daily habits nobody seems to questions “why” or “what” we are doing. In India learning was never restricted to merely replicating the taught unlike understood by many. The oldest of the Upanishads dated from around 500 BC. These texts encouraged an exploratory learning process where teachers and students were co-travelers in a search for truth. The teaching methods used reasoning and questioning. Nothing was labeled as the final answer, ideas and answers collided and no one was singled out because of a different thought or perspective rather it was always welcome. However over many generations questioning got restricted making us and our attitude of experimentation only more fearful. We were always a breed of knowledgeable people “then why have we stopped accepting new things today??”

Honesty to self:

Being true and true to oneself is the biggest confidence provoking method. *Avanti a sociology student says “I know its not possible to be honest and truthful with everyone but one should always be true to his own self that adds lots of guts to single out and walk when no one’s with you like goes a song in Bengali “jodi tor daak shune kyo na aashe tobe ekla cholo re” (when no one comes on your call have the dare to walk alone) . Your honesty might frustrate others take for instance you might like to attend a lecture while your friends want to bunk it what do you chose to do? You bunk right…that’s simple you know what you like yet you ignore for simply being scared of doing it alone.”

You are special:

Every person is different in views, thoughts, talents, behavior and so on. You are unique the way you talk, the way you smile, the way you walk, cry, laugh its all different you need never be scared of being either a size zero or achieving something exactly what the other one does. Knowing yourself gives you the best of chances to enjoy some great moments with your own self. Rather than justifying your aloofness smile and know someday you would be remembered for your “individualism”. If you are still not convinced try this for a week, literally think before you speak. Say what you truly feel and not what is expected of you, what you say out of sheer habit. This does not mean that you put yourself under the pressure of coming up with brilliant and innovative statements. But rather speak you mind muster some courage to take a stand for the person you love the most “YOURSELF”. Begin to Love yourself slowly without any extra efforts you would be Original.

Taking the responsibility:

Once you know you are Original, you are bound to take the responsibility of your actions for instance if you don’t need X-tra loaded phone unlike your friends and you have chosen a simple one for yourself “Don’t shy away” from using it, once twice or thrice your friends will say you simply smile the next time they would never talk about it. Similarly if you have chosen a certain career based on your instincts and liking be stubborn and ready to face its consequences, every different career route has its destiny and has its share of struggle be prepared to face it.

As goes the saying of Swami Vivekananda -

"Stand up, be bold, be strong. Take the whole responsibility on your own shoulders, and know that you are the creator of your own destiny.”

"Whatever you think you'll be. If you think yourselves weak, weak you'll be; if you think yourselves strong, strong you'll be."

Being yourself is being original , you will soon find herd of people following you, you will find people being friends with you and you will also find people jealous of you all because of your confidence and mindset that has made you different. Life will always remain a bunch of good and bad things striving through it with your own methods will give you satisfaction tones of times more than following any group or being.

Be yourself, be original and stand correct, you will never feel the need of being proven to anybody.

(*Names changed to protect identity)

Home Makers or Pay Makers ??

*Sheila Jain is a housewife or to be given a more meaningful name a home maker. She does not feel elated by this name as for her its still quiet the same. She gets up 5:30 in the morning gets fresh and pushes herself to the kitchen where she finishes filling water chores and tea and tiffin making chores by 6.30 then she wakes up her little boy and drives him to school by 7.30. Next she has to next start making tea coffee breakfast and then lunch for her husband and her in laws then run around with her maid. Next shoots her day in her home after 12 its time for her to re-cook lunch and clean her kitchen. She pleads sometime for herself by 2 but she then has to welcome her kid next. She smilingly does that and feeds her boy. By 6 she makes her way for the evening snacks and tea and later by 7.30 she heads preparing for the dinner since she hardly wishes to compromise with her daily soaps. By 11.30 her day ends and while going to bed she feels it’s only the night that’s only for me next day everything begins the same way.

For most housewives’s the schedule is quiet the same, how each one deals with the daily work depends on the willingness of the home maker. As the name suggests she is the living light of a home, a maker of the foundation of the first brick of society “Family”. But from past 2 decades India has been on a rapid change, a change that’s inevitable to not effect even on the part of housewives. Indian homes are no longer a part of the old traditional joint families and no longer the life in cities is left comparable to that of the past. Life is fast family members need to earn more money to survive in cities and so the trend of being a housewife is simply on decrease, partly because women have themselves chosen to be a part of work-force and partly they are forced to work.

When a home maker or a mother cares for her family she keeps a lot of things in her mind from the kind of preferences family members have, to the kind of restrictions they have. She has to keep in mind and maintain a thin balance between freedom and discipline in family. She cares for what who’s choice is from food, to clothes, to holidays etc at the same time she has to discipline her kid to study, her husband to eat correct, her in laws to eat medicines so on and so forth. Each of these looks so miniscule but it’s a job that needs endless attention and thoughtfulness that no matter what - a maid or an outsider can never give. The story of institutionalizing marriage is the need of adding wholesomeness to the smallest unit of society, which fulfills both the physical and emotional requirements of a human being, the mother or the home maker being the deity in that. Have these deities’s been rightly praised and valued???

The average housewife is said to work almost nine hours a day, seven days a week. If the same hours were worked in another job it would warrant a salary of about **15000INR. So when the thought of “Paying our home makers” arose from west there where many people who can forward to support the stance. But will a given amount of salary to a housewife do justice to a mother who spends her labour selflessly on her child??? Who should be giving the salary?? Would it not demean the mother’s role in her house?? Would she next time get the same respect from her child as she gets for her selfless sacrifice in their upbringing?? Yet demanding a pay for their sacrifice seems to be the new way of gaining that recognition that women have been deprived of for ages.

*Mrs Singh aged 65 a housewife states “Yes, they should. If you can pay an outsider for those jobs, the same rule should be applicable to a family member too. And nobody can match the commitment levels of a housewife. This will make her feel important and eventually lead to some savings as most housewives will spend the money on the family only.” On the contrary her daughter *Shweta aged 20 college student says “I don’t think so. This will act as a big hindrance to the education of a girl child. Today, girls are encouraged to study, earn and become independent. If they are paid for household work, many parents will stop sending them to school. This may also result in early marriage of girls. “

Now a mother daughter fight bought into our notice another important question – “Who should pay??” while shweta said it’s the government who should be paying the housewives arguing “What’s the use if husbands pay?? The total money within the house will be the same pass from one hand to another.” On the other side Mrs Singh wanted her husband to pay “I want him to know how hard my work is and while paying so much to me he would know my value at home.”

On asking “If paying home makers for their tasks at home correct way to value them??” - *Manoj an engineering student and a MBA aspirant explains “Society should always try to reward its citizens for vital work in some degree at least. Under a capitalist system the value of goods and services is recognized in financial terms, so a wage would recognize the important contribution of homemakers. As well as being important, housework is physically taxing, time consuming and in balancing the needs of a household, a relatively specialized task. These features are all valued highly by the marketplace, and it is a pure accident of history that home makers have not been included in this. “

On the other hand their where many who wanted women to be recognized and valued for their work but completely disagreed on the thought that husbands should pay their wife’s at all. *Meenal a soon to be married girl said “No...a woman is not her husbands servant or housemaid. Monetary compensation would be an insult. If a woman now days is lucky enough to stay home, raise her children, and provide the best environment she can for her family, while her husband is working outside the home to provide the means, that is how it should be. It's a partnership, not a business deal.” And keeping accords with her *Anju opined “No way! How demeaning would that be?! It also opens up a whole gamut of other problems including "boss/employee" expectations, and lets face it, do we really want to give husbands any more power over us?”

Our society needs not just housewives who struggle at home for their work but women who work dedicatedly for their families. And it is for the well being of a happy and healthy family to value and appreciate a mother, a wife whenever required after all rules of Motivation follows for every human being. Brick by brick good work has to be heightened; the benefits of having mothers at home would become apparent soon. I expect we’d find a nation where, on average, our children were better educated, truancy were diminished, broken homes were decreased, crime were severely curtailed, society be more gender balanced and even though our ways of doing things change with time we wouldn’t change in heart. Beauty of a home maker is in her values and sufferings she endures for her loved ones the only thing she genuinely wishes to see is her importance in the eyes of those whom she loves. Is it so difficult for us to recognize this?????

( *Names changed to protect identity ** Pay based on a hospitality services survey)

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Adopting your Parenthood

Miss Universe and film actress Sushmita Sen, is a single mother who adopted a second child in a row. As she puts it, - "this little girl needed a mom and I needed a child." It can be as simple and beautiful as that. Not just celebrities, but also common people, who wish to remain single, adopt children, in order to experience the joys of parenthood.


In India adoption has been prevailing since ages. Even the great epics like Ramayana and Mahabharata depicted adoption. It is great characteristic of Hindu culture that though out the Hindu period, right from the Vedic age to this date, the Hindus have always desired to have natural born son for the spiritual benefit and the continuation of lineage, yet right from the Vedic age, the existence of secondary sons in one form or the other has been recognised. References of Khetraja (Soil born son), Kanina (Mainden son), Dattaka (Adopted son) can be found in the Vedic literature. Most of these concepts of secondary sons in the course of time became obsolete and during the British period only natural sons and adopted sons existed. Still in India adoption for ages has been a tough time to deal with. The idea was to retain the property in the family sphere. Religious view was also a reason. The need for a male to perform the obsequies was critically needed. Although the main reasoning factor was the continuation of family line, yet many other religious motives were present in this regard. Adoption once became almost mandatory; otherwise the householder could never escape the tentacles or hell called Punnama Naraka (portion of hell set apart for son less males).


Nevertheless its time to celebrate we are in the 63rd Independence year and Adoption and its meaning have changed a lot in the minds of our society and in the hands of our laws. Though adopting a child is still a tough procedure to go with, becoming Parents Biologically or by adoption are two different yet unique experiences. The process of adoption might take one through a gamut of emotions ranging from intense hurt and grief to inexpressible joy.


Parenthood is parenthood no matter how it comes into being either biologically or through adoption. It often goes hand in hand with being married. Infertility is most often seen only as a medical problem, but such a viewpoint overlooks the emotional and psychosocial aspects, which are probably more important to the couple. Most couples simply assume that conceiving, childbearing and giving birth are matters of choice and an inevitable outcome of a marriage. Hence, an inability to conceive or to take a pregnancy to full term is an unexpected and traumatic shock. When you cannot have biological children, and when you think you might miss out on the experience of parenting, you may experience a void in your life. Infertility shows that in 40% of the cases the man is the cause, in another 40% it is the woman, and the couple share the problem in the remaining 20%. Still ignorance leads society to most often hold the woman responsible for childlessness.


Though Thankfully adoption did change its outlook in the modern society, its not just married couples adopting kids because of infertility its infact a huge number of Single parents both men and women willing to adopt kids and give them a happier life. More and More mature and successful men and women who do not feel the need of a partner are happier to have just a child in their life it fills the vacant space in their lives and adds meaning to it.
*Rohit a single father says " A word to the wise and I cannot stress this point enough. There are indeed a lot of parents waiting to adopt and the theory says that there is a ‘pecking order’. The reality is that good orphanages want to see their children settled with good families and they will match suitable families with suitable children based on their experience rather than simply waiting lists alone. Adoption in any country requires lots of patience, lots of perseverance, lots of time and some expense. So India is no different. "


Despite the difficulty and the long processes involved in it, the joy of being called a "Mumma" and "Dadda" from an angel's lips there's nothing like it. A successful adoption needs open communication, acceptance and a supportive environment in which one can discuss adopting a child as a viable alternative means of achieving parenthood. Another Father Rajashree delightfully says " Ist December'1990 was the most precious and important day for us. Our daughter Madhura entered our home. We were excited and delighted with her sweet smile and brown, round big mischievous eyes. She made our house a real home. But on all above this is she who has made us "parents" a "mother" and a "father". "


Somehow the meaning of adoption loses its value when people tend to express their choices not with love but with profitability. A person who is willing to adopt should not be driven by narrow considerations like sex and color of the child. Some couples only want boys, while some want fair girls. However, such choices defeat the purpose of bringing home and accepting a stranger. However every child needs love and understanding merely segregating the feelings of a child because of his/her incapability of fulfilling your needs defeats the feelings of parenthood.


Dr. Anjali.M a child specialist says " Adoptive parents should always keep in mind that children in adoption centers may not be the bouncing, bonny babies. They may have born underweight as a result of poor pre-natal care, malnutrition & undernourishment of the biological mother. With proper care & love, the child should soon blossom into good health. "


Most important of it all is that in any country or in any culture the will to adopt and nurture a homeless child has survived over mindless rituals. Adoptive parents should keep in mind that despite the struggle and hardships involved in the process of adoption the end result is a bundle full of joy in your arms. Just like a child is born and is meant to grow so are the parents who are born with the feelings of parenthood it only grows many folds with your child and his love. Parenthood is high above any boundaries.


( *Names changed to protect identity )


http://simplyshreya.blogspot.com/

Courtesy - Comments and quotations internet/ opinions personal

When She cries ... Female Infanticide

Madhu* is a daily wager while working under the hot sun and dust she knows that she has to leave home early with her sum of money. Her 5 year old daughter wants a jeans for her birthday. " Aaj kal ke bacchon ko sirf jeans weans chahiye to dilana to padega na" (today's children desire only jeans now will have to fulfill what she wants) she said resurrecting her assured smile. A few years back she knew how much struggle she had to face just to keep her daughter alive, today she is happy that with her hard work and determination she has not only managed to keep her daughter alive but also given her every basic facility whatever within her capacity. Madhu shudders to think of the day her daughter was born, when she lay on bed weak due to pregnancy watching her mother-in-law picking up the new born and trying to strangulate her. With all her mite she saved her daughter and left her in laws house with her new born and her 4 year old son with the help of an Aangan wadi helper. The struggle didn't stop here, at her father's home her brother refused to take her in, only after her sympathetic parents much request was she let-in. Her in-laws kept harassing her time and again, they wanted their son back but madhu knew she would not give up so soon . After a few months she shifted to the city with her mother and started working as daily wager and house maid. Today after 4 years her ex-husband has married again and she knows she will never be able to give her children their father, yet she is happy she has given her children their life's and that is proud about. There's nothing like living with dignity she knows she was right then and now too.

In another such incident as quoted from Dahlburg, book "Where killing baby girls 'is no big sin'." Lakshmi already had one daughter, so when she gave birth to a second girl, she killed her. For the three days of her second child's short life, Lakshmi admits, she refused to nurse her. To silence the infant's famished cries, the impoverished village woman squeezed the milky sap from an oleander shrub, mixed it with castor oil, and forced the poisonous potion down the newborn's throat. The baby bled from the nose, then died soon afterward. Female neighbors buried her in a small hole near Lakshmi's square thatched hut of sun baked mud. They sympathized with Lakshmi, and in the same circumstances, some would probably have done what she did. For despite the risk of execution by hanging and about 16 months of a much-ballyhooed government scheme to assist families with daughters, in some hamlets of TamilNadu, murdering girls is still sometimes believed to be a wiser course than raising them. "A daughter is always liabilities. How can I bring up a second?" Lakshmi, 28, answered firmly when asked by a visitor how she could have taken her own child's life eight years ago. "Instead of her suffering the way I do, I thought it was better to get rid of her."

Two separate incidents two completely different mothers, how could motherhood distinguish between her girl child and her boy child ??A report states that 300 women die every day during childbirth or of pregnancy-related complications. The country has skewed the world’s sex ratio and the UN estimates 48 million girls have gone “missing” in India. Female foetus are either aborted or murdered immediately after birth. In India from several years we have witnessed the same situation , over and over again little babies are killed just when they breathe there first breath. The only thing that has changed is the process and the means in which the death of the new born is executed but not the mindset. Decades before the parents waited until the mother gives birth, and when they find out that a daughter is born, they go ahead and kill the baby by adopting various means such as strangling the baby, giving her poison, dumping her in a garbage bin, drowning her, burying her alive, starving her, stuffing her mouth with salt, or leaving her outdoors overnight so she dies of exposure. Today also the rural areas don't go for sex detection methods they prefer the child to be born and be killed, but now they are afraid of being caught. So from a quick and relatively painless procedure, it had turned into a prolonged and torturous one. "Now they are afraid of detection," said Mary* , a public health nurse. "If someone registers a case of suspected infanticide and the body is exhumed, the 'old' methods of killing can be detected." As a result, modern methods had evolved. The newborn was deliberately weakened and dehydrated by its own parents. They did this by wrapping it in a wet towel or dipping it in cold water soon after delivery or as soon as it came home from hospital. If it was still alive after a few hours, it was taken to a doctor who diagnosed pneumonia and prescribed medicines. The prescription was carefully preserved, but the medicines were never bought. When the child finally died, the parents had a medical certificate to prove pneumonia. Sometimes, the infant was fed a drop of alcohol to create diarrhea. Another certifiable 'disease'.


Urban areas are no far behind although they might not kill the girl after it is born, they do try to determine the sex of the foetus. They very well do know it is illegal and doctor's are not permitted to do so but for a little more money doctor's do do it. A sex determination scan can cost anything from Rs 300 upwards. The whole package, including abortion of the female foetus, costs about Rs 7,000. This luxury is not afforded by the poor so they prefer to kill the child after its birth. This ubiquitous scan is responsible for the mass massacre of female foetuses in Punjab, Rajasthan and Haryana. Today several villages in these areas have no woman at all, several of them where woman haven't been born in decades. Stories echo that the direct result of female infanticide is the amplification of trading of poor girls. One such media record from Bhuwaneshwar recorded driven by acute poverty, a dalit mother in Orissa sold her 20-day-old daughter to a neighbour for Rs 600.

Gauri* a village midwife who had witnessed the killing of many female infants. Her job, she said, was only to deliver the baby. What they did with it was a family decision. Giving a perfect explanation as to why more girl babies were getting killed every year. She said "The value of a girl goes down every time the value of gold goes up." Where the daughter's life is spared, parents often neglect her and expect her to work around the house serving her brothers and father. Girls are rarely sent to school, and if they are, they are removed after a few years of education and put to work - perhaps sent to cities to work as maids in homes, and send back money earned by them. The scene in cities is no different where somehow or the other a girl child is bound to live by the fences of her home, riches hasn't changed anything rather enhanced the percentage of dowry to be given. Even today men are believed to be the bread earners and contributors to their parents family where as the women are considered as liability who will leave the home once married so even if they earn, it will be enjoyed by her in-laws and not her family. In short doing anything for the girl child is much of a waste.

The WEF report ranked India 121st in terms of the education gap between genders. Deep-rooted prejudices against female children, low enrolment of girls in school, child labour, high dropout rates for girls and poor infrastructure were said to be the main factors.Only 36 per cent of women, compared to 85 per cent of men, were in the workforce. Women made up only 3 per cent of senior officers and managerial positions. Experts say gender inequality is harming the prospect of continued rapid economic growth. Chanda Kochchar, the Managing director & CEO of ICICI Bank, said the labour potential of women could greatly add to the economic strength of India.
“If the ratio of working women goes up to 50 per cent in next 20 years, we will be adding 0.5 per cent to our GDP every year,” she said.

Although it is much easier to highlight the problem and tougher to solve it, the mindset hasn't changed for ages but the beginning like Madhu is on the way. We need to understand that there's something fundamentally wrong with the society that considers the superiority of males on accounting his physical strength and considers woman weak, submissive and sacrificial. We need to begin from home teach our kids that there's no difference between girl and a boy and stop impelling girls masking her security, boys have no special rights that a girl cannot enjoy. But the dilemma is who is to blame for this the mother who kills the child in agreement with her family members? or the society that even today leaves no stoned upturned to prove that men are better ? Will punishment to this crime eliminate the problem or will it keep on aggravating?? issues unsolved and unresolved...... May be in near future we will truly need men to have wombs to carry babies. We would have no Mother's left.

( *Names changed to protect identity )


http://simplyshreya.blogspot.com/

Courtesy - Comments and quotations internet/ opinions personal copyrighted post for newspaper

Bridal Trends in shoes

The wedding season is on and we know for the few coming weeks it will be your BIG time shopping spree. So we bring you the most happening trends of 2009-2010 wedding season.

We all know our wedding ceremonies are long so long that they extend from few days before the D-Day and few days after D-Day, so the most important thing that should be kept in mind while choosing a shoe is the comfort of the bride. So that she can carry all her customs comfortably handling her shoes. Extreme high heels are out of fashion for the bride cause there might be times when she has to stand for long hours with her heavy dress wear, make-up and jewelery. In fact most Indian weddings are a part of religious ceremonies so belted shoes tied up and hard are a complete NO NO, the bride will have to open her shoes and step into " mandap " (the place of holy fire praying) untying her shoes at that time might be a problem.

Now hey!! the bride has to look gorgeous from top to bottom, how can we expect her to be simple just for the sake of comfort ?? No, that's not important. the latest trends are woven around the fact that the bridal shoes match her looks, make her look glamorous yet ethnic. So check them out !!!


JUTI'S -
The most comfortable wear this season is the Juti's style its back in fashion and in complete new avatar. These juti's are now available in various colours with the kind of beads work, zari work and designs as you want. With the amount of heels you can handle. Light heels, high heels or flats you can roll them walk away and slip them out get into your wedding ceremonies without having to struggle a lot with their wear. You can choose the kind of leather you want made of cloth, animal leather or artificial leather like and as you want.




BRIDAL HEEL SLIPPERS -
Heel slippers or sandals a trendy and handy way to look tall and ornamented on your D-day. Easy and comfortable to slip in and slip out matches with almost every traditional attire saree or salwaar kameez.







KOLHAPURI'S -

Kolhapuri chappals, the word attaches a sense of dignity and original craftmenship. The best traditional wear of weddings still excessively used in Maharastra is growing in its use for wedding or other related ceremonies in other parts of India too. Most elderly women still prefer its look and feel. Kolhapuri chappals have attained the epitome of comfort wear and simplicity , is now available in different styles and colours.




BALLERINA -
Ballerina's are back small little shoes look classic and so much sweet covers your feet and slip in with so much ease. Keeping Indian weddings in mind they are now available in glossy fashion's of gold and silver and black for your chick-in after wedding parties !!







RED HEELS
Red Heels you can never give up on them every girl has to have this in her shoe wardrobe. When you can think of nothing that can fit you classic red outfit (or saree) choose a red heel with no straps around. Its sassy, sexy and very much in for weddings.



FOREVER PINK SHOES -

Like red, pink is also the classic colour of Indian weddings but you need not restrict your choice only for weddings. You might want to wear your always loving strapped heels, that will make your legs look sway high , or you might be the bride's best friend who wants to hook someone with some pink look for that you can take little pain for sure. Then go ahead, pick the bold and beautiful pink stiletto.

At the end of the day when you are worn away from the long struggling hours don't forget to give your feet a good warm water massage.






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Courtesy - Comments and quotations internet/ opinions personal copyrighted post for newspaper

Blind in love?? Blind Date...

" It was normal weekday and after office i was about to meet my blind date for a movie at inox, we met on Internet and our friendship was an instant hit. My friends were more interested to find out who she was and what she looked like so they called her up stealing her number from my cell and fixed up this meeting. When I looked up at the mall's passage I saw a girl in a lacy pink shirt and denim jeans of almost a height about 5'5", wheatish (wheat like) complexion and good vital status i mean really good, walking down confidently towards me. It made my heart beat so fast i felt i would almost collapse. Things dint work out for us after a few months but i still remember her. " says *Vinay smiling to himself.

A blind date is a date where the people involved have not met each other previously. The match could have been arranged by mutual friends, relatives or by a dating system. Till a few years ago blind dates were concept of west and forget about meeting an unknown man suddenly, the Indian bride and bridegrooms did not even see each other till their first night. Things started changing eventually, probably the first time meet of the bride and the groom would also come under the concept of blind date since both of them knew nothing of each other not even each others faces, but it was accepted since it was on the onset of their married lives. However the actual concept of blind date was derived from west much since dating was taken to a new level of experimentation. For many ages men and women thrived to find their perfect one's by dating their known one's but with blind dating came the excitement of knowing something completely unknown, may be they wanted to experiment with their destiny.


Blind dates are becoming more commonplace following the rise of the Internet, when people who have met in chat-rooms, Instant Messaging, Internet forum finally agree to meet in person. A part of youth now calls this "Internet dating", its no more traditional dating style. "Social Networking sites have not left blind date as it was considered before, you can check anyone's profile whenever you want, you have no trusted source of information to say if the person you are going to go out with is at least a good or a bad person to be with. Forget about looks you have to consider many more things from the point of view of safety before you go out with someone." says *Nandita who hates the idea of Internet dating. Conversely few others consider it "pretty experimental" , as *Vinay advocates " From my story, I know nothing went wrong we trusted each other and had a great time ya may be things did not work out in future but that depends on an individual blaming the whole concept of Internet dating as a taboo is wrong. At least in this you have your own judgment to understand things about other person while in customary dating, you had to always depend on your friends, friends of friends, cousins or aunties, and how would you ever know they are right always??? "

Blind dating is considered by psychologists one of the most stressful emotional experiences, mainly due to a great lack of self-confidence from both parties and the inevitable fear of the unknown. Both the parties are not aware of each others where being and looking forward could either be excitement or anxiety. With social networking sites running applications and communities for dating, you never know how true is the person on other side there's always a struggle between perception and reality. May be *vinay survived since his perception matched with reality it might not be same in every body's case. *Dhruv walked out of a restaurant in the middle of a date after he realized that the gal with him did not have a good reputation. Says the guy: ''The date was a disaster, but blind dates carry that risk. The best thing is that one can just walk away without having to answer any questions.''

Indian form of blind dates have progressed further from the time when marriages were arranged and your relatives fixed you up with your wife and you could know what your wife is like only on the "Suhaag raat", to the time when the guys and girls were allowed to peek into each others photographs to today were they asked to meet for an hour or so, if things click of they meet again or never again. Indian matrimonial sites have played well on this they have combined the concept of Internet dating and Authentic dating with Indian marriages, this lets both the youngsters and the elders in the house to see through and know about the bride or the groom via their projected profiles. Well times have changed and even Indian parents have adapted to this custom agreeing to which *Mrs.Nair mother to two sons says " At least our children are marrying with our consent and in today's world its very important to know your partner before marriage so there's no harm if they meet and decide for themselves. "

Blind Date for two people may never be same you might go for a blind date expecting a prince charming or beautiful damsel to spend evening with, what you might get is an ugly duckling. Probably the more you expect the more are the chances that you fall head over heels, reality might be far away from imagination. But blind dating is always convenient for people who want to experiment with their luck. It appeals to people who do not mind a few surprises. It is like aiming blind folded to a target which you are not even sure exists. Even then if you fall into the trap, only thing you can do is to handle the situation.

So just some perks for your preparation for a blind date:-

1) Gather your Info: Tits and bits work, find out the basics about that person looks might be one criteria more important ones could be job, interests etc. But don't simply go on a relatives say especially women tend to coat the hidden information, they saying nice, sweet and plump could mean cold, ugly and fat. So use your brains and don't day dream.

2) Chose to contact ahead a meet: Try emails or may be a chat session just to know the kind of person he/she is. Don't exaggerate this into an emotional bonding, you might regret and want to end it after your meet and if that happens the other person might be hurt.

3) Meet during day: Out in the light its always easy to say good bye and keep meeting short if you don't enjoy his/her company. Say you have a meeting or a deadline to complete so you need to leave early no offense intended. An added advantage for girls is day time is safer, much safer to meet an unknown in a crowded place and keep notes of what the other person does.

4) Don't go like disaster: You might not be interested to meet your aunts choice but that does not mean you go wearing a torn jeans or an old over sized dress. Dress up properly who knows you might end up getting your dream one??

5) Don't be inculpating: If things don't progress beyond the first date, don't wonder what you said or did wrong. Sometimes two great people just aren't right for each other. That doesn't mean either one is the lesser person.

6) Differences might click: Don't go on a date with a preconceived notion neither positive nor negative, he/she might be different from you you might be one who enjoys parting and he might be one who enjoys silent evenings but you never know thoughts and ideas might still match, spark may still be there. So give your match fix aunt a chance.

7) Learn new: Circumstances, events and the people you come across make you the person you are. The more kinds of people you come across, the more enriched your personality. You learn something from everyone. So even if the date is a disaster you might still learn something new out of it.

8) Many left: Hey!! nothing to be sad about there are many left to find out your dream one from. Just one or two dates can't make you sick. You go, see, analyze and if you don't feel good about it move on to next. Don't commit or get emotional about it.

So... isn't love blind ?

(* Names changed to protect identity)


http://simplyshreya.blogspot.com/

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When Self Esteem stoops low

Angelina Jolie Voight an exotic combination of beauty, talent and deadly charm. Who's facial features render her almost flawless, who's body is touchstone of perfection.This epitome of beauty claims that she suffers from low self esteem. She says "I struggle with low self-esteem all the time. I think everyone does. I have so much wrong with me, it's unbelievable." With the paparazzi looming on her all the time and with magazines depicting her time and again as a home wrecker who uses her kids, its something that has blown her self esteem way long.

So what do you like about yourself ? Do you look into the mirror and appreciate the lady you see or do you seek only faults and mistakes into her ? Are you proud of yourself? If these questions make you uncomfortable chances are you are one of those millions of women who continuously dodges away from accepting herself as "herself" .

Nathaniel Branden a psychotherapist and writer of books like " The Power of Self-Esteem " & "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" defined self-esteem as "...the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness". If that's self esteem then may be you need to ask yourself " why are you not worth all this happiness, what is it that you do not have and others have? ". Self Esteem is not a bubble of elation its rather a firm believe and affection for one own self. A feeling of accepting who you are as you are. Self esteem comes from the inside out. It means that a woman is not dependent upon anyone else to make her feel good about herself, because she already knows she's fine just the way she is. She is confident and aware of her strengths and abilities. She is also aware of areas needing work and growth. But that's ok, because she knows she's not perfect, and she doesn't have to be. No one is. She understands that we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

A woman feels low when she constantly absorbs negative messages around her , she cribs with feelings of hating herself and she hates every little thing she does. With one wrong thing leading to another that stoops her esteem so much that sequentially everything gets out of order leading her to blame only herself, this chain of events never seem to end for her which to a large extend is responsible for depression in women. The blame is on us who keep using a set of standards, created by society as acceptable but often unachievable, to judge our appearance, looks, work, relationships, success etc. What women fail to realize is that the set of standards placed before us is often a lie created by media and desire for a superlative life by society.

The reign of youth, beauty and thinness in our society dooms every woman to eventual failure. The media influences woman. Not only are we conditioned to believe we must have the perfect husband, the perfect children, and the perfect life, we are also led to believe beauty is a very important trait and that we must desire and achieve what is often impossible for woman to accomplish. Marilyn Monroe, a very established model and actress in her times, was regarded as a symbol of what every woman wants to live and every man wants to posses. In her case, she was a victim low self worth that led to depression. Angelina Jolie and Marilyn Monroe are just a few names to show us that the trend of being perfect has always deprived us from loving ourselves. As Tanya(name changed) an office goer says " I've always hated myself for almost every aspect of my being. I look at myself and can only think of the negative aspects. Every time I involve myself in certain activities, even if I do pretty well, it's my lack of self-esteem and confidence and I end up failing in those activities even though I would have done well. I've been perfectionist and too hard on myself, because I am never satisfied with what I do. I hate everything I do. For every little mistake, I punish myself. Perhaps one of the most difficult challenges for me is to learn to love myself and appreciate my own efforts, and to learn how to forgive myself as well. "

Sadly many of our youngsters are very much confused and upset with themselves a teenage boy from Delhi says " It is the constant pressure to be 'cool' and be accepted as a popular kid. The constant verbal abuse I received for my views eventually broke through my 'self shield' and made me feel bad about myself, depressed and unaccepted. I had to change myself my opinions and looks to be accepted as one of them. " Being one of many is the trend of today, knowing what's in and out is very important. Achievers are never followers, thankfully many young achivers of today do not believe in being perfect, with time and due experience they have realised being honest to yourself is foremost important in being an achiever one such young woman achiever from Mumbai comments about this fashion fad on her blog saying " .... How can they feel good about themselves ? Magazine models are airbrushed to perfection, and anorexic. "Beautiful" movie stars are whipped into perfect shape by personal trainers, and use surgery to create an unnatural cultural ideal. But youth cannot last. It is not meant to. If women buy into this image of beauty, then the best an older woman can strive for is looking "good for her age" or worse yet, "well preserved". Mummies are well preserved. Mummies are also dead. "

Relationships take the hardest blow due to self esteem. Abusive experiences assault female self esteem. Abuse is pervasive, it invariably sends the message that the victim is worthless. Just like a bad or abusive relationship can give you low esteem similarly a low esteemed person can dent the aspirations of another. In a couple where one person has a high self esteem and the other has low self esteem the damage is so inflicting that it leads to a wreck in marriages. A person with low self esteem always tends to see the negative in the other person, becomes prone to fault finding and criticism, and shows no gratitude whatever be done for them. Partners eventually finds it really hard to keep their marriage on when all their honest efforts keep failing. Aarti a homemaker says " I am a happily married stay at home mother of 3 children. I have a B.S and a Master degree in Accounting. We have a nice house and 2 nice cars. We seem like the ideal family and yes we are happy. BUT I not happy with all of who I am. I feel there's constantly something lacking in me. My husband tries motivating me but I feel I never do a single thing correctly. My depression now seems to be effecting my relationship, I and my husband spend much less time now and my kids also avoid me. " Several women like aarti face similar kind of problem, who know that have sufficient qualities yet fail to recognize them. A partner with low self esteem wrecks his/her own relationship over time the one lacking in esteem will kill the motivation and aspiration of the confident person. She gets completely out of control at home her kids get out of her control, she cannot command the respect she deserves from them, she never seems to feel or get her spouse satisfied, at her work place she lets other take the credit of her work because she cant say no, with friends she helps those when she does not want to, dresses like she does not want to look like and goes to places with those with whom she does not want to all because she cannot say "NO".

But that can change. If something bad has happened to you, it does not mean there is something wrong with you. "You can never become perfect so let go of it. " says bustling Mridula, BPO worker. There are parts of you which are beautiful ad are waiting to get recognized, if you feel hard doing yourself get a bunch of friends who would tell you just one thing what they like in you, know it and value it. For the start do not listen to criticism until you learn you balance them with compliments. Stop making everybody happy there are times when we have to be bad to people, you need to understand that people do and say things to you because they have their own self interest involved in it. Like media that shows you all glitz and glamour because it wants you to spend your hard earned money on their folly products.

You can choose your own identity. You can discard the popular cultural image and replace it with something real. Be yourself and your esteem will never be low again. As Andre Gide Quote says "It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for something you are not."

Some Special Quotes ::

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Self pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world. "

~ Helen Keller

http://simplyshreya.blogspot.com/

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Sixth Sense !!

Just a week before the September 11 attack, one North Carolina mother dreamt about spinning into blackness and heard a man's voice repeating '2,830, 2,830' and a name she couldn't make out. 'It sounded like Rooks or Horooks,' she said. Disturbed by the dream, the woman cancelled tickets the family had to fly to Disneyland on September 11, despite protestations from her husband that she was over-reacting. Most bizarrely, 2,830 - the number repeated over and over in her dream - was the confirmed tally of deaths at that time. And the name - 'Rooks or Horooks?' - was that of Michael Horrocks, first officer of United Airlines flight 175, which crashed into the South Tower.

It is not the only incident to happen that could be merely refuted as coincidence but major incidents like September 11 triggered a series of such paranormal sixth sense or extrasensory perception (ESP) events. Interestingly, the vacancy rate on all four flights that crashed on September 11, 2001, was high. The occupancy rate of all four doomed planes that day was a mere 21 per cent - despite being commuter services. Sometimes, premonitions allow the person to pinpoint a specific time and place, leaving the dreamer enough time to alter the course of the disaster.

The ability to acquire information by paranormal means is popularly believed to be possessed by everybody on this planet. Astrologer Bejan Daruwala believes, "Intuition is the power that takes a person from the known into the unknown." Astrologers are also known to predict the future by relying on the powers of this sense. "People who have strong intuitions about things generally have a strong influence of Moon and Neptune in their life," Bejan says.

Sean Clarke who studies spirituality explains " The subtle world is made up of five cosmic elements (earth, water, fire, air and ether) which cannot be seen. Though we cannot perceive this world which impacts our lives to a great extent, we can tune into it using our 'spiritual antenna' i.e. our sixth sense (ESP). The spiritual level of a person is one of the key factors in deciding which person receives knowledge from the subtle. Other factors include: motivation and intense yearning of the person, necessity for God's mission, resolve and blessings of a spiritual guide beyond the 70% spiritual level, and destiny of the person. "

In the normal evolutionary process humans have gradually developed the art of avoiding the impending dangers to come, most of the time studies have recorded that dreams or feelings of holocaust events are related to our most loved ones, it is when an intense feeling or anxiety runs inside a person and a state of urgency is acted upon. Dreams, visualisations, death indicators, feelings of spirits or even reincarnation are all associated with ESP. In India the concept of reincarnation is recorded in detail within the Upanishads (c. 800 BCE), which are philosophical and religious texts composed in Sanskrit. Many sacred scriptures records incidences which involve sixth sense like the famous character of Sanjaya in Mahabharata who according to scholars was temporarily endowed with the powers of intuitive cognition or second sight (remote viewing) so that he could ascertain the events and dialogues of the battlefield.

Sixth sense is believed to be a strong possession of the physically challenged people and animals too. A blind man in Britain claims to see future and scientists on brain mapping have found certain brain parts extremely active compared to a normal eyesighted man. But differing to this a Mumbai based doctor claims " Most people with perfect vision pay less attention to senses like sound, smell and touch in their daily activities. But in case of blind people since vision is completely lost they automatically start adopting, practicing and relying on other body senses. Since blind people are left with no choice they work harder to adopt these alternative senses. This is not a sixth sense else a result of determined hard work and continuous practice. "

But Science does have references to ESP and has categorically differenciated them like telepathy refers to mind-to-mind communication, clairvoyance is the ability to see things not available by known senses, precognition is the power to foresee future events, retrocognition is the strength to see past events and psychometry is the power to know the history of an object. For those who believe that beyond our senses exists a different world there are lot of examples. Like radio waves, where we cannot perceive things with our five senses. Certain high and low pitch voices are there, which only the dogs, elephants or insects can hear. It took years of research to prove that there exist things called "germs". These are beyond the purview of the five basic senses. We cannot see, taste, feel, hear or smell germs on our hands.

Animals too are believed to have a sixth sense, which alerts them about calamities before time. A strange incident happened with Anita Desai (name changed), a resident of Virar. Her mother was in the last stages of cancer. One night their pet dog, Wendy, suddenly started howling. Anita says, "Wendy had never done that before. I thought he was hungry so I went out to give him some food. But when I came back, my mother was dead. Perhaps, Wendy had seen it coming. Wendy was very close to my mom. When she died, he ran away from home next morning and did not return."

Refuting Varkha Chulani, clinical psychologist says, "Animals are naturally equipped to read changing signs in the environment, such as before earthquakes. Sixth sense has got nothing to do with it." According to her one's gut feeling is based on intellect and past experiences. "Believing that intuition is some kind of a power, shows the gullibility of people," she says.

The intuitive human mind wants empirical evidence for all the traits. However every person has experienced sixth sense at some point or other during his or her lives. The degree varies from individual to individual. It is still not known how the sixth sense operates. The research to prove the existence of sixth sense is going on. For verification, the phenomenon must be measurable and repeatable. The drawback with sixth sense is that it is impossible to repeat experiments with it. The more the person attempts to use his sixth sense, the less it seems to work.

Believing on one's gut feelings has produced tremendous results for many how it will work in your and my case is still not know, many be we need a silent time with ourselves to hear our inner voice speak or dream. Till then as we have to trust the words of this genius Albert Einstein who believed, "There comes a time when the mind takes a higher plane of knowledge but can never prove how it got there."



http://simplyshreya.blogspot.com/

Courtesy - Comments and quotations internet/ opinions personal copyrighted post for newspaper