Sacrifice -- a new meaning

There are few words in the dictionary that confuse me. One of them is Sacrifice. Today I will talk about this.

There are some words that are a part of our moral and legal life. They are designed to stream line our social life in such a way that they would provide us with long lasting happiness. However we have misconstrued their meaning in such a way that they are now a cause of our pain than happiness. Sacrifice is one such word , I shall just try to enhance its real meaning as I have understood to bring back that long lasting happiness again.

How do you feel if I ask you to Sacrifice something on behalf of something else? Do you feel good elated? Happy sad mixed feelings.. A desire of wanting to have both the “something’s” and yet unable to have them together. Definitely a feeling of loss I’d say.

Sacrifice in my mind is an act of giving up something (cause 1) that was an existing or present source of your happiness for something else (cause 2) that will presumably give you happiness in future or for duty towards something or someone.

Duty means something that you are “due” for. Duty comes from the word “due” and Sacrifice comes from the word “sacred”. Together they shall mean to do something sacred that is due.

This brings us to the brink of morally sacred or not, right or wrong, legal or illegal etc. All this is debatable depending on the moral fabric of the person or what he/she prioritizes in their life. Because that is how people choose what is important to them in the present and what shall be important to them in the future thus you can sacrifice whatever is less important to you. In short there are no fixed parameters of sacrifice which will give same happiness to both you and me. For example duty towards parents, loved ones, friends, society, motherland, planet or nature, religion, humanity etc each one of us can have completely different priorities to address.

When we address words like Sacrifice in our everyday lives, we create feelings of giving up unfortunately not by will but by force of “Duty”. A set of standards set up by others in the name of duty. So we create a feeling of powerlessness, as if I am giving up something for want of something better in return. Thus creating expectations, with happiness due on future events. For example a parent sacrifices today’s material need for future of the child, partly internally expecting the child to love and care for them in older age. A feeling of giving up something today hoping to cover it up with happiness in future.

But life is not the same, some of us get good returns in the cause that we have given up our happiness for and some of us do not get anything in return. That sours our taste towards life and eventually we start acting selfish after sometime. Now we have to break this phenomenon and see Sacrifice in its new meaning.

The reason for this phenomenon is “constant feeling of loss and fear of return in future” , yes we do it all the time unknowingly even in our most unconditional relationships we do it … even parents do it that is why they feel so betrayed in their older age. Unfortunately all this time we have the tendency of blaming the one who is supposed to fulfill that happiness for you in the future let us say for parents hurt children are blamed but blaming them will not solve the pain that has already been created. Rather a little renewing on the concept of Sacrifice can.

Sacrifice is over shadowed by the word Duty. However we have been taught to first fulfill our duties towards everyone and at the end towards ourselves. This is the crux of the problem that starts with sacrifice and ends up making us selfish. A constant denial of our wants and needs over the time deeply creates feeling of loss and powerlessness which transcends into a physical or emotional outburst later.

As soon as we are born we are assumed to fulfill our duties towards our parents, family, nation, humanity etc. What we essentially forget is our first duty much before than these duties is towards “I” the self and no this is no selfishness , it is merely accepting the fact that once you are put in this body it is your prime duty to fulfill certain needs of it like food , clothing , love , peace etc. Simply recognizing this will make sure that you never compromise with certain basic needs of yourself which are reason of your primary happiness, everything else that you “let go” must be considered as bonus.

A)   However as each person is different the requirements of basic happiness will be different. For example for a solider his motherland is more important that his survival but for how much and how long?? These days we have seen many who would give up on their motherland for some rupees it means that their basic need of happiness was not clear and the need was never met. So a set of counseling is required to check “what exactly is the basic need?” – let each one of us sit back and really check on our needs.

It is good to know inside ourselves that I cannot sacrifice more than this limit than do it and regret later. Example someone can live 1 new pair of clothes in an year on giving up everything else the person must remind himself that I am satisfied as my basic need has been met already everything else is a bonus. Check and Set your Priorities.

B)    Comparison is the biggest problem of confusion these days. It is easier said than done. We keep saying we must not compare our things with anyone, we must not live by standards set by others etc  but unknowingly we keep doing it all the time. I realized that when I set my standards my need was much less but when faced with comparison my MARK of basic need waived and it happened so fast that I could hardly keep a note of it till the time I felt vacuum.

To avoid this either we must repeat our basic need daily or if need be make alterations to it , increase or decrease the level of needs and talk to yourself about it. Such that a sense of power in instilled in. Let your mind accept that the decision or choice was done only after you met your basic needs. So your “Happiness” holds inside you.

C)    Stop being vague in setting needs. Yes a thing I realized was we vaguely set needs especially when it has to do with feelings. We all need love and none can deny that, so we all want our loved one’s happy. Thus we vaguely set limit. But when faced with situation of ethics or morals versus happiness of loved ones we fail to take the right decision.

So in my opinion we must set our needs in details.

For example if I want my loved one’s to be happy … then how much I am ready to give up on my decisions, my ethics or values , my ideas or notions and sometimes on clash  of two loved one’s whose happiness matters more. And Make sure you do not decide this with just feelings, be VERY VERY logical in convincing your mind about such needs.

And just in case you feel two people or two feelings are in equal position and you are not able to give up on either one. Then "Do not" rather ask your mind to show ways to hold both things together and trust me mind does show a new way. Be not desperate but Be confident.

D)   Get over past decisions and situations. As I said earlier when we Sacrifice “cause 1 present” for “cause 2 future”. We wholeheartedly expect the “cause 2” to be successful so that we can forget what we have given up. Unfortunately sometimes even “cause 2” fails miserably at that time, we create pain not just because we have lost “cause 2” but because we have lost happiness involved in “cause 1”.

First: Happiness is a wrong term we associate with every other mundane thing; we must refer it as comfort. So a little change in mind would be you had given up your comfort for “cause 2” not happiness.

Second: While making a choice between “cause 1” and “cause 2” be clear with your priority list… very very clear in details. Then choose a mindset which is empowering. For example “I have fulfilled my basic needs, my happiness is met and it is my decision to empower myself to live without cause 1 no matter what are results of cause 2”.

Life is not as short as people feel. If you can value each second and bless everything around you. You Live more than your life each day.

Like I have always said I practice what I write here. So I’ll share a method I use very often and which seems very powerful to me. It is a kettle and cup example. I tell myself that even though both kettle and cup are made to hold tea, their individual purpose and capacity and usefulness cannot be compared. Each one is a special one. This helps me big time over every day comparisons and temptations. 

Sacrifice if you must but your old habits. Everyone fails even I do but never fail to keep trying ;)

Adios :)

P.S -- Sorry everyone to keep you waiting for a long time , I was just engaged in many things in life. Shall try put up other posts on time. Sorry again.

Art of managing negative emotions

Negative emotions by their name suggest that they negate something from our lives. Yes they negate our happiness and lightness. This means they disturb our natural being whose it was natural property to be happy and contented. Sometimes you are at the recieving end , sometimes at the creating side you do not understand what you are feeling or why you are feeling but you feel. A strong deep negative feeling engulfs your mind and within few second your peace of mind is shrouded with umpteen number of thoughts. After sometime when you decide to stop them you feel drained , exhausted and tired and to top it all you feel guilty of having them. You feel sinful of holding those ideas , cruel or brutual at times you do not understand why did i think of these things. This is probably the side effect of being good. Today i'll talk about this.

If this has happened with you then you'd easily identify. You feel the day is going good suddenly you see someone holding something you deeply desired for in the hands of a person who is perpetually the last person on earth to deserve what he has. It could be anything as simple as a cell phone , car , job etc or as complicated as love, family , kids etc. You suddenly feel cheated, cheated for all the goodness that you have and blind out within few seconds. To top it all everyone around seems to be very happy or cheering them or attending them, you seem to be asking yourself what is stopping me why am I not happy ? I am not in competition with him and I'll have something much better manyfolds better and yet you crave.

The craving pushes us further. You cannot lie to yourself and then series of thoughts overwhelm you with negative emotions. Not having what other has easily bring us to blame anyone or everyone who has been or has not been instrumental in me not having "it". A huge number of such emotions further makes it impossible for me to handle anything challenging that would come later during the day. The guilt of being jealous and sadness of not aquiring gets painful and heavy.

Negative emotions are extremely drainful no doubt. Sadness , hurt, jealousy, anger, greed, vengence,hatred, frustation etc. While irritation , frustation , sadness can be termed as less negative. Hatred , vengence , anger are higly negative. Jealousy and greed are fine and subtle they shift easily from appearing light initially and then towards graver negativism. But they can be efficiently be dealt with in case we pay a liitle attention to what goes on inside us than watching who does what outside.

I have for long experienced eactly these things and then tried to see what goes on and what comes to my mind. Not only did I create negative thoughts but also found myself feeling ashamed of holding such down thoughts. And then i realized such self criticism is only making things worse because it exhausted my will power to overcome the negative and pull out the positive. The extreme self expectation of being good teamed with criticism held me back in a loop. Till I decided enough is enough i need to see what's happening. From such situation i have developed some pointers in "Art of managing self negative emotions".

1. In my suggestion it is always good to take out a minute as soon as you feel something low. Do not shrug away ignore the feelings nor do you engage in feelings of self pity. Self pity is terrible worse than negative emotions because in case of negative emotions you still want to fight the unjust that has happened to you but when you self pity or agree it as "Kismat" you loose the last fort too.

2. Identify the feeling inside you , your exact need, the object or the attention , love and respect the other person gets and you do not. The object can serve as your need or actually no need too. For eg you can feel jealous for a high end cellphone it might not be a need but a greed. Jealousy and greed can easily turn themselves towards sadness or vengence depending on the character of the person holding it. Just learn to pin point your exact emotion.  Note it keep it at side for a second.

3. Repeat this statement "I make choices in my life I chose to be who I am today and I respect myself for this." This is essential to stop a blame game that runs faster than goose inside our heads. The whole life story pops up. This happed that is why that happened then next then next then list goes on and on till you have blamed every last person on earth for evrything in your life. Yes really that happens I have seen people blamed US President for their broken relationships people can really go that far. You don't know if someone on some corner of this earth might be actually blaming you for something you have never done. So blame never stops till you want to take responsibility of your life. So repeat the above line at least a few times to remember “ Every one makes choices and you chose something at some situation of yours because it was important to you.” This calms you and avoids you from emotinal drainage. (This is the main reason of internal distrust of many relations.)

4. Now that you have time, have identified your feeling and also not blaming anyone. The next step is to explain yourself that you are not guilty of holding a bad feeling.

Co-join your identified negative feeling with a positive one. For example someone does a tick tak around you and you feel irritation at its highest. Instead of saying “I hate this sound I hate this person he always irritates me” etc try to co-join “I love silence. Silence is easier to get when I am smiling. I am smiling because I am at peace.” Though it doesn’t sound meaningful initially but positive words if repeated a few times actually helps you connect to times when you created these feelings.

For example if you have ever seen a baby smiling and felt very happy just remember those tiny movements and that feeling , you created peace and love on seeing that baby. Now when you say this sentence the mind will automatically search for moments of “Smiling” “Silence” and “Peace” drives your mind to find those scenes and brings back those feelings exactly how you echoed. It helps you to see the picture more rationally than emotionally.

5. By this time your greed will be over and you would invariably be able to identify what you really need and can you given the fact that there are some compromises you would never want to make. Seeking an understanding that you are still feeling like smiling even without that object will remind you that the object/emotion is actually your greed not need.

Even if it really is your need then minus – the guilt you would have more sane mind to achieve it in due process rather than creating guilt or self pity.

Emotions cloud our mind and a single negative thought pulls us down and diminishes our ability to seek any requirement wether it is our need or not. Every feeling is actually a greater involvment of love. Love for others, love for objects or love for self we need to choose who and what is important to us. Once you learn managing your own negative feelings by bending them towards positive ones your winnability increases many folds.

I have experienced this several times and it is hard to do at first later comes very easily. You just learn to smile and walk away. On the path of being good it is easy to encounter things inside your own self which are not so good or rather grey but it is a process you learn to work on it if you are determined to be who you really are from within.

J

 Adios

[I know i needed time but i had so many things on my mind to write. I couldn't stay away from sharing. Hoping to share more soon. My pain is better even if not gone yet feeling happy and light. :-) See you. ]

Identity Crisis

By this time several debates have been held about the verdict at " Ayodhya - the disputed land " on what judgement is right, what is expected, what implications, who would feel what etc etc. The whole of past week went by listening to advices of eminent members everywhere from tv to newspaper... I wondered what else was left to be discussed :)

Honestly speaking it really did not matter to me what decision was about to come, whether a mandir was to be built or a mazjid did not really bother me. It bothered those who had legitimate insecurities of their existence dependent on the disputed land. What bothered me more was how long are we going to keep getting bothered or scared about these kind of things ??

Even as 2000 AD started which was termed as the so called "21st century.." Digital era , E era and so on. We witnessed how a powerful democracy of the world America voted on religious fundementals namely rejected the concept that they had then termed as "Islamic Terrorism" , 10 years down the line... going back on their words they chose to undo the damage they have already done to the world... by building a mosque on Ground Zero. Unfortunately they have already pushed several thousands of young lads into the deep grave of terrorism, which then to these young lads was the only way to save their identity of religion.

Things have not changed from long 2000 years back or to say 5000 years back ( or even older) when our religious books or religion came into existence, needs were limited to a few several things namely food, clothing, money and faith seemed the only way of connecting to the good within us. So that we can know our purpose of living is to derive the content of happiness from within and not outside. But eventually our age old habit of forcing our beliefs on everyone else overshadowed it. It was still on a bearable edge until came the time when our faiths took shapes of concrete on the face of earth. Prayer houses, faith buildings turned into gatherings of people who had same belief system and each believer used his own way to expand his belief into others. Nobody knows why suddenly people of different faiths started to worry about expanding their faith or who started expanding it first or whether it was forced or amiable but what comes sure into this picture is that who ever did this did it only for one reason and that was "Identity Crisis".

Most often when people meet or greet you and start talking about themselves, they begin by identifying themselves to you "name" is one such thing. Queerly each of our names which could have been a mere identification turned into an identity when attached to our faith. Our "Names" "Surnames" "Village or Town" or "State" or somewhat forgotten these days "Lineage or Gotra" each of these things makes us what we are especially for those who have no other way to assert themselves in front of others. Today we identify Ratan Tata for TATA industries or Dhirubhai Ambani for Reliance industries or Subhash Chandra Bose and Bhagat Singh for their valour as Freedom fighters...do we identify them for being only Parsi or Gujrati or Bengali or Punjabi ?? Many don't but also Many do.

World over people are being subjected through a phase where they are being churned for their identity, where people are craving for being accepted by the larger lot. People want to know what they have in superiority that can be a part of their identity too even if they do not have a pint of their trait in themselves. Dress, fashion, style, latest gadgets etc are merely a superficial part of that same identity crisis of which religion, faith , customs, traditions are an abstruse part. We tend to cling to our identity for being appreciated, for being recognized and for being understood.

Identity crisis is an excuse we use for our lack of courage to pursue and achieve something. Even a small thing like "I am a girl I expect some sympathy." is as much a lack of courage as much is " He lives in a metro obviously he would do better." every now and then you would find people grouping themselves into something for AN EXCUSE. An excuse to do away from a job, to keep failure at a bay, to hold someone else responsible for their failure so on and so forth. Identity crisis can be solved but first and foremost it needs a will, a dare that none of us yet have. We have chosen an easier path by solving through fists and hits than resolving through minds and spirits.

Religion and faith were build to bring us out of a problem to serve as a solution to give away identities to God and live lives as only human beings. But it is amusing thing to see that it is thy our faiths that has brought us to the same door of problems where we had once begun from.


Adios..
P.S May be next time i would come up with something lighter. Till then bear with my serious mode.
Thank you all :)