Art of managing negative emotions

Negative emotions by their name suggest that they negate something from our lives. Yes they negate our happiness and lightness. This means they disturb our natural being whose it was natural property to be happy and contented. Sometimes you are at the recieving end , sometimes at the creating side you do not understand what you are feeling or why you are feeling but you feel. A strong deep negative feeling engulfs your mind and within few second your peace of mind is shrouded with umpteen number of thoughts. After sometime when you decide to stop them you feel drained , exhausted and tired and to top it all you feel guilty of having them. You feel sinful of holding those ideas , cruel or brutual at times you do not understand why did i think of these things. This is probably the side effect of being good. Today i'll talk about this.

If this has happened with you then you'd easily identify. You feel the day is going good suddenly you see someone holding something you deeply desired for in the hands of a person who is perpetually the last person on earth to deserve what he has. It could be anything as simple as a cell phone , car , job etc or as complicated as love, family , kids etc. You suddenly feel cheated, cheated for all the goodness that you have and blind out within few seconds. To top it all everyone around seems to be very happy or cheering them or attending them, you seem to be asking yourself what is stopping me why am I not happy ? I am not in competition with him and I'll have something much better manyfolds better and yet you crave.

The craving pushes us further. You cannot lie to yourself and then series of thoughts overwhelm you with negative emotions. Not having what other has easily bring us to blame anyone or everyone who has been or has not been instrumental in me not having "it". A huge number of such emotions further makes it impossible for me to handle anything challenging that would come later during the day. The guilt of being jealous and sadness of not aquiring gets painful and heavy.

Negative emotions are extremely drainful no doubt. Sadness , hurt, jealousy, anger, greed, vengence,hatred, frustation etc. While irritation , frustation , sadness can be termed as less negative. Hatred , vengence , anger are higly negative. Jealousy and greed are fine and subtle they shift easily from appearing light initially and then towards graver negativism. But they can be efficiently be dealt with in case we pay a liitle attention to what goes on inside us than watching who does what outside.

I have for long experienced eactly these things and then tried to see what goes on and what comes to my mind. Not only did I create negative thoughts but also found myself feeling ashamed of holding such down thoughts. And then i realized such self criticism is only making things worse because it exhausted my will power to overcome the negative and pull out the positive. The extreme self expectation of being good teamed with criticism held me back in a loop. Till I decided enough is enough i need to see what's happening. From such situation i have developed some pointers in "Art of managing self negative emotions".

1. In my suggestion it is always good to take out a minute as soon as you feel something low. Do not shrug away ignore the feelings nor do you engage in feelings of self pity. Self pity is terrible worse than negative emotions because in case of negative emotions you still want to fight the unjust that has happened to you but when you self pity or agree it as "Kismat" you loose the last fort too.

2. Identify the feeling inside you , your exact need, the object or the attention , love and respect the other person gets and you do not. The object can serve as your need or actually no need too. For eg you can feel jealous for a high end cellphone it might not be a need but a greed. Jealousy and greed can easily turn themselves towards sadness or vengence depending on the character of the person holding it. Just learn to pin point your exact emotion.  Note it keep it at side for a second.

3. Repeat this statement "I make choices in my life I chose to be who I am today and I respect myself for this." This is essential to stop a blame game that runs faster than goose inside our heads. The whole life story pops up. This happed that is why that happened then next then next then list goes on and on till you have blamed every last person on earth for evrything in your life. Yes really that happens I have seen people blamed US President for their broken relationships people can really go that far. You don't know if someone on some corner of this earth might be actually blaming you for something you have never done. So blame never stops till you want to take responsibility of your life. So repeat the above line at least a few times to remember “ Every one makes choices and you chose something at some situation of yours because it was important to you.” This calms you and avoids you from emotinal drainage. (This is the main reason of internal distrust of many relations.)

4. Now that you have time, have identified your feeling and also not blaming anyone. The next step is to explain yourself that you are not guilty of holding a bad feeling.

Co-join your identified negative feeling with a positive one. For example someone does a tick tak around you and you feel irritation at its highest. Instead of saying “I hate this sound I hate this person he always irritates me” etc try to co-join “I love silence. Silence is easier to get when I am smiling. I am smiling because I am at peace.” Though it doesn’t sound meaningful initially but positive words if repeated a few times actually helps you connect to times when you created these feelings.

For example if you have ever seen a baby smiling and felt very happy just remember those tiny movements and that feeling , you created peace and love on seeing that baby. Now when you say this sentence the mind will automatically search for moments of “Smiling” “Silence” and “Peace” drives your mind to find those scenes and brings back those feelings exactly how you echoed. It helps you to see the picture more rationally than emotionally.

5. By this time your greed will be over and you would invariably be able to identify what you really need and can you given the fact that there are some compromises you would never want to make. Seeking an understanding that you are still feeling like smiling even without that object will remind you that the object/emotion is actually your greed not need.

Even if it really is your need then minus – the guilt you would have more sane mind to achieve it in due process rather than creating guilt or self pity.

Emotions cloud our mind and a single negative thought pulls us down and diminishes our ability to seek any requirement wether it is our need or not. Every feeling is actually a greater involvment of love. Love for others, love for objects or love for self we need to choose who and what is important to us. Once you learn managing your own negative feelings by bending them towards positive ones your winnability increases many folds.

I have experienced this several times and it is hard to do at first later comes very easily. You just learn to smile and walk away. On the path of being good it is easy to encounter things inside your own self which are not so good or rather grey but it is a process you learn to work on it if you are determined to be who you really are from within.

J

 Adios

[I know i needed time but i had so many things on my mind to write. I couldn't stay away from sharing. Hoping to share more soon. My pain is better even if not gone yet feeling happy and light. :-) See you. ]

I have raped .............

This is a random post probably no forethought or excercise was required by me to write this. I just didn't know how to put this in front. Too much has been going on around us Rape rape rape. My ears are bleeding , my eyes are sore and my heart still pounding.

I feel like a rapist today
I have raped my own soul when i don't have the courage to stand against the wrong
When I hear people sigh at the birth of a daughter. I see a rape happening of a mother's desire of nuturing her loved one, of her happiness , of all her dreams she build little by little around that womb. Not knowing a single change of a body part would wreak havoc on her angel.

I have raped my Creator's creation when i cannot be a part of his nature and i build a castle for my greed.
When I do what i have done to my Mother Earth. Plundering its beauty bit by bit , dumping our never ending toxic material in her womb. Robbing her off her minerals because I am greedy greedy for comfort, for fun what less is this act of mine than not a sensual pleasure. It was need to be safe and to keep safe. But i am quiet watching it turn into a graveyard.

I have raped people's confidence. When i had been non appreciative to somebody, killed that tiny expectation that waited all day for a kind word. I killed and violated that hope because i did not feel it was important.

I have raped many faith. When i lied to people who trusted me or even those who never trusted me. I have devoured the tiny mankind i had in myself because i was saving myself from wrong situation.

I have raped my own love and compassion. When i decided not to ever love or trust anyone because i was betrayed by someone. Because i was being protective about myself i felt stopping who I really am at best.

I have raped my peace. When i felt past and future mean more to me than my present.

I have raped my own body. When i performed a 100 changes i wanted in , it in my mind to be what i felt was "perfect ME". Fairness advertisements, physique changing promises , prettiness certificates, beautiful praises was I really not trying to be better than someone else was I really trying to be me.

I have raped my duties. When i was accounting the world for my rights. I failed to do my duties, my duty to be present with a needy, to let go off my wish for someone, to be holding each one equally, to give more than get. Arranging everything to be perfect outside ignoring my chaos inside.

I have raped my history. When I am trying to create a future without its foundation. When i ignored the old for the youth. I forgot the lessons for the excietment.

I have raped my own voice when i am not able to speak my mind on all things
When I see sexually explicitly content making their way on our everyday newspapers , webpages , advertisements, when i see people who speak about individual freedom exploit it inside every individual mind because they are a part of society that wants to earn money.

I have raped many and much more. I don't feel like a victim anymore. Nor am I very worried about my physical safety. I know i am safe and my God keeps me safe every second. I am more worried about my other aspect. I am worried about being a rapist. Worried about plundering the most precious things in my life and yet being unaware of it.

This "I" could be you me or for that sake anybody. We are all rapists , all criminals. We do so much wrong all the time and so little , so little are even things we are aware of rest everything goes unnoticed by us. Just because there is no law to catch us red handedly , no one to watch us , do we have the right to plunder which is not rightfully ours. All we care about is I, me and myself. Every tiniest desire we create has more to do with our happiness than anyone else's. We all are such hypocrities , we talk such humane when a news pops up but we ignore what we do every day. With every one , with every tiny emotion , with ourselves turning our face away from who we are truly originally , turing ourselves every second into somebody the world wants us to be.
Does a rape happen to a girl alone?? Physically alone ?? I feel ashamed we think that way. We are not changing as people. We are not being human with human.
I don't know if i have the right to talk about rape. What is rape anyway ??? is it only to force someone to have sex ? or is it to destroy someone of its possession ?

P.S - Please pardon me for my grammatical mistakes or contextual mistakes. And if it has hurt you it was meant to hurt so that you can peek inside your own mind like I am inside mine. Trying to answer my question what I have raped from myself ??

Difference in Opinion

It is easier said than done especially when we know who is correct. I mean if I know I am correct and what is right then shouldn't things go my way ? Where am I wrong ? Why do people have to always oppose me?

Imagine waking up one fine day and finding that the whole world and every being looking, working, thinking, behaving exactly the way I do. How would my life be? Perfect or boring ? Many a times I have heard people say "it is natural to have fights", especially in context of marriages. "Fights are extension of love " and then "what is life without disagreements". But I sometimes sit back and wonder if people who say it have really understood the meaning behind these ? is Yes then why has it over the time become so difficult for us to manage a simple difference of opinion and today we have come up with terms like "road rage" or "frustration" or most common "stress", what is all this if not just a different perspective.

From what i have understood I would share with you. There are two parts of the above statements:

1. Disagreements or difference of opinion is natural.
Yes absolutely true, as many as number of people as many opinions because each one is actually working from their own capacity, understanding, knowledge and self definition of right and wrong. It means you and I might see the same thing in entirely different perspective depending on what we priortize in life. Thus we have attached labels or right and wrong on each other from our perspective.

2. When there is difference of opinion , discussion is natural or communication is natural.
Instead we thought arguments are natural. Imposing opinion is natural :). In relationships atleast i believe we can solve all problems with right perspetive and little communication , communication not just from mouth but from heart (feeling level). Getting over emotional and non stable during problem solving deters the main intention of communication which is to find a solution.

That is why in ancient India debates were considered extremely important during their schooling. "Dwand - vaad vivad pratiyogita" or debates created a healthy environment to discusss , analyse and accept one truth over another. This helped general people create opinions about right or wrong mutually, interestingly this was not the end of all every year same topics were re-debated to make sure new school of thoughts is well incorporated. Unfortunately over the time these schools have gone and the only public debates we see are on news channels who thanks to advertisements never reach a conclusive end.

Anyways my point is that in absence of understanding the above two aspects where disagreements and open minded communication was the key. We have over the time convinced ourselves of a single one way opinion which are old and quondam. Whereever new school of thoughts were not accepted a belief system was created "I am right and you are wrong always".

Infact from my understanding the problem is not being right (which you might be depending on situation ), the problem is in thinking that the other person is always wrong even before you begin to communicate anything. This creates a thought barrier and thus we have fights with no solution. We have all done it at some point of time or other in anything or everything, stating one is right other is wrong like black/white. That has over the time developed a sense of intolerance towards anything that is not white, it is like saying there are only two colors in this world "white or black" and if something is not white it has to be black. We all can see what has happened to our world when we are painting it only in these two colors.

All I am trying to say is that let us just make a small shift in our thinking , in a new way lets understand people are different from me and that is something to cherish not complain. And even if you know that something is not right focus your attention and energy on what you can do about the situation than cribbing about the person who spports that situation. Don't try and change people forcefully you'd only waste energy and they'll never change. Lead by patience and example they take some time to solve but the solve is permanent. :)

adios

Attaching Labels

I remember this from not a very old ad of abhishek bachchan in Idea in which every man was identified with a number and no name. How true numbers have no labels no color , no caste , no creed etc. It so wonderfully depicted our set mentality of listening to someone's name and attaching various labels on it. Have you seen this movie " A Wednesday " where in the last scene Anupam Kher the commissioner refuses to divulge the name of  "the common man" played by Nassiruddin Shah, because he said people will create feelings, reasons, justify or criticise him based on his labels of name. And if he let him be just "the common man" then we'd all at one level find a string of attachment to him.

The idea ad and that scene from a wednesday all point to that one thing and yet we all try to inore and avoid its existence "Attachment to labels".  Here we are in the 21st century trying to create a world of equality yet our subtle mind has not given up on creating labels and opinions so fixed on people that they become hard to change forever. It is like that herd mentality one goes and others follow, and we do it all the time no matter ow much we deny.

A recent example of this came up when "Shahrukh khan" was held for repeatative interrogations for hour at US airport his label ?? "Khan" a muslim name ? how pityfull for a big Democracy like USA. No denial that the same thing happend with Mr. Abdul Kalam after he had just stepped down from presidentship he was madeto open his shoes , socks even after knowing he was India's x-president. No the point is not about getting angry on anyone who does what is their job , ask yourself are we untouched by this ?

Labels are opinions a brain detects  and generates series of feelings attached to it based on information feeded to it.  They are nasty they come quickly and they never go, they stick to you like forever. Until ofcourse you have the courage to change it over years through your action orthe person who has labeled you has changed his mindset. Think of anything under the sun with every word you get feelings, opinions & different vibrations attached to it. For eg. say red and brain immediately flashes a red color , a red apple, a red lipstick or a red car depending on if you are a child, a woman or a man. It is different for different people , which means the meaning of the label varies according to the perception and information that they have createdduring the course of their life.

Labels could be as simple as colours and could be as complex as opinions. Unfortunately we create labels every second about everything and anything. Good, bad, fat, think, lier, honest, rigid, simple, loving, hating, black, white, hindu, muslim, generous, miser, lazy, pretty, ugly and so many many more think of any adjective and that would be your opinion about someone, something, somenation, some gender etc. Meant to harmonise differences , over the time they have only created differences. Label does not distinguish  anything and it does not spare anybody. No wonder thoughts like "first impression is the last one" have gained so much importance.

The probel is not with labels , they were created to group the alikes together but unfortunately today we only see differences. Honestly over the time we have become resistive to change, not only have we become stagnant but we create negative energy for anyone who wants to break that shackle of his label. You and I label people and things from the time we meet them 1st and once done the brain rejects to re-think or reconsider those labels when we meet them next. We carry forward labels of past meeting into the future and unfortunately brain negates to re-label even we have the choice to see things under a different light. In response the other person also sends back similar resistance (if the label was negative) or acceptance (if the label was positive) and that paves path of your DESTINY with that person. So ultimately our in-flexibility of labels created destiny related to the labeled object and then we blame stars. :-)

Lets say a parent has labeled a child as "lazy" after some incident or incidents. Later no matter how much the child does what even at the slightest of rest (which might come after hardwork) the parent will immediately reiterate the child as "lazy" untill the child is stable and positive to work on himself or the parent is mature enough. However these single everyday labels will create the destiny of the child and parent relationship either of conflict , negative energy and dis respect or love and harmony. It is thus destiny created by us.

Labels are easy to change if you can overcome the feelings of past experiences and give your memory a refresh like computer screen does. Every soul deserves a chance to change, even if you do not wish to continue with someone change the label with forgiveness and move away. In the long run it beneficiary for you only. Look out for change don't be so resistive, everyone changes over time like the time itself. All we need is a little knowledge and little love to let that happen. And then DESTINY is yours.


adios

Why Fear ?

Board exams have started and they sure are a stressed time for students they feel everything of their life would be decided in these few hours and partially the world has created a notion that it true. I sometimes wonder if each and everyone's life has changed completely after this one exam ? Rather it wasn't the first time we were told life depends on this or that, our lives changed several times it did not depend on only how we fared in the 12 th. Each of our action has the capacity of changing things around us few of them have been exaggerated by man kind and few of them have been demeaned.




What causes us the fear of some life changing experience is within us. Subconsciously feeded into our minds. Subconscious is a vague word for many so i would rather like to call it my " belief system ". It is easier and simpler to understand. My beliefs they tell me what i like ? what i hate ? from colours to charateristics, from tv to trauma & from life to love , my mind registers my likes and dislikes my reasons of why they are my likes and dislikes. Slowly and steadily as we grow up we stand to support and strengthen it as our belief.


Like I have a belief that i believe in souls. You might not , which means we have seperate "BELIEF SYSTEMS" one that works for you so you defend that and the one that works for me i defend that. Here comes the clash or difference or fear. Our Belief systems are our identity and when we over burden ourselves with it, it becomes our ego :)


Anyways I will always have lots to say. Here is where i felt Fear comes from :

The desire to be recognized, appreciated and valued.

Experiences of the past that have produced disappointment, insecurity, worry or emotional or mental exhaustion.

Attachments and dependencies generate fear.

The habit of seeing situations and people in a negative way.

Dishonesty - When you have done things that you know are not right, you know there will be negative after effects, and this provokes fear within.

The ego being afraid to 'die'. It justifies itself and resists. We wear masks that cover our true identity. We become selfish.

adios :)