Thursday, March 2, 2017

Why should you not be judgmental

Ask yourself, who do you love the most? If, you have someone who you love the most then undoubtedly they are the people (or even pets) who do not judge you. When we look around and ask ourselves who do we love the most? It is those who love us without any judgments. No Judgments for our actions, for our reasons of success or failure and most importantly no judgments about our identity. Judgments are sharp and piercing. Judgments’ regarding anyone or anything is an act to see it in seclusion without the reason of its cause or existence and that is exactly opposite to the spirit of humanity which is holistic. It is like sampling one piece out of many and declaring your attitude towards the whole bunch. This is great when it comes to things (buying vegetables? Eh!) not when it comes to dealing with humans. We humans are unique and kings/queens of our own universe. We desperately, everyday, try to protect our universe from dilution and judgments from others come as sharp blows that tilts this universe. We find it disturbing when people judge us, yet we are quick to point fingers at others.

I came late to office, I have a reason – my boss is judgmental. Your maid comes late, she is making excuses- I have right to reason. I am paid less for my work, I need more money to survive- my work is not equal. I pay less at a shop, their service sucks- I need justice. Someone cuts across me from the wrong side, I could have had an accident- roads are filled with idiots. I jump red light or attend a phone call while driving, I have an emergency/ I can handle- society is intolerant. My mother in law is very annoying, she gives me no space – I am tolerating. I create profiles on facebook and follow my child and her friends- Oh I am just protective mother. Sounds familiar? Oh.. wait wait wait, just before you tell me your some other reasons let me clarify I am not writing this piece to judge you and your reasons. This is merely a mirror for all of us, so you can let go of your own judgment against judgment. All through the day when you do not feel loved and appreciated is because you are still being judgmental about things or people around you. You may hide behind the veil of “because”, “Because it is so basic”, “because this is right”, “because this is wrong”, “because that is not how you do it”, but it is no use and it is serving neither you nor the person/place/thing you are judging. 

This may sound a bit exaggerating and exasperating yet I would say any complain that we do in our daily life is an act of judgment, a judgment justified by saying this is right and that is wrong and judgment means absence of love. No love means no-permanent change/reform. With judgments you are fixing the roots of a plant you think is wrong but not the plant that really needs the treatment, in other words when you judge someone you are not looking at the real reason of the problem. If solving that problem is at all your intention, but trust me most often we just want to whine so we judge and not because we want to solve. You may ask “If set systems do not work I do have the right to complain? After all complain is the first step to recognize problems and then solve them, Right? ”. May be, I cannot disagree but how many times do we judge or complain or get annoyed or angry or hate and reach a solution ? We don’t because doers are listeners to complain of others and well, whiners are whiners.

Right or wrong for any person is extremely personal and to understand their right and wrong we have to slip inside their shoes i.e live their life, which we clearly cannot. Wasting a single second of our life on others wouldn’t earn us a dime. What should be our priority then? In my humble opinion it should be us, our peace of mind and our safety. Let me explain – while judging someone is really easy and very satisfying we fail to see that just like sugar addiction, this addiction (being judgmental of others) is eating us in the long run. Did you just judge the dress of your colleague? Or the money earned by that business tycoon? Or the hard work of that Hollywood star? Any of these or more, if you did welcome to the pit. I say it pit because it is what a man/woman human creates when he/she they become judgmental, a pit of excuses .It is often so subtle that we ignore it all together (just like in this line I wrote man/woman and acted in complete oblivion to existence of 3rd gender, forgive me).  You just created excuses to not be kind towards your colleague, to abhor money and not earn it, to not trust on your hard because you do not become a Star by it. The point is judgment is an endless loop like any other negative feeling and it takes our peace of mind like no other. Yes, it may give us a high for sometimes but it needs to be given a higher dose next time soon (that is how bullies are created by the way! ). Example by judgmental about people/ things around you – cleanliness, roads, products, services… soon you would find yourself being judgmental about the people involved then about the system involved then national or global politics, then history then God or existence. This is how judgment escalates but never really tamed down.

What is the way to not being judgmental? I have to admit I do not have a way to not being judgmental because it is indeed a deep subconscious process that may differ person to person. However, one method that has seemed to work well with me and must definitely work well with everyone are just repeating two words whenever you find yourself being judgmental. They are “Forgive me”. If you catch yourself complaining try this, repeat these two words in your head. You do not have to say it loud or address anyone or even feel anything just repeat these words. These two words are extremely difficult to speak because it requires human ego to bow down and take note of existence of things other than itself. So when you catch yourself judging someone’s etiquettes mentally say “Forgive me”, find yourself judging someone’s attire say it again, judging your child, your friend or your juniors way of working say it again. This is like an eraser that cleans your slate and allows you to be a better human being every single time. Even research has proven that forgiveness lowers your stress hormone that is another bonus for happiness.

Over a period of time with this practice you shall realize how easily people open up to you. They want to be around you, speak to you, they do not say you No, they serve you better; give you more attention, more respect because they know you are not judging them. A whole lot of good relationships and love floods your life. So my advice for the day shall be give it a try, this is personal, easy and you have to be accountable to no one else but yourself. Try not to judge.



Saturday, February 11, 2017

Ramblings about Power

I am power
Power means to control the consequences the result the future and
outcomes to feel secure and safe but all these crop up from my
survival instinct which makes me feel that there is a threat in the
next moment and the sooner i come to know about it the quicker i will
decipher a solution.

I do not blame my ancestors for my DNA has been coded through many
many long years but being the Powerful, limitless being that I am,
that which I have experienced through my inner eyes and wisdom I chose
to be Powerful in my own terms.

I chose to say i am Powerful Limitless being peaceful and love filled
I am not threatened by anyone anymore now, I am above and beyond the mindset of just survival.

My next moments are predictable
and they are predictable in a good way
they are predicted with safety & security
filled with food, livelihood, happiness, good relations
excellent and meaningful work
but more important than all of this is to remember that I am not mere body
I am definitely not the brain
and not the mind because i control my mind
then i am something beyond my mind
something that works quietly and yet controls everything openly
I am energy
a powerful energy that needs no assurance of conditions next moment
I am yet safe
I will be provided everything i need and more
My needs are not craving they may well be needs to sustain my body and my existence on earth
I am beyond
I am capable
I am competent
I am filled with infinite possibilities
Infinite abilities
I am in the present and I am in the now
I am alive and that is the only truth that I know exists
So as long as I am alive
I shall be in the present
I shall not be in past or future
I shall be here and now
I shall be in Power
I am the Power, Limitless being.

Pic Courtesy:

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Gandhi ... for us

“You play the ball. You do not play the opponent. Be free in your head. Be free in your shots. Go for it. The brave will be rewarded here.”
-         Roger Federer, Tennis Legend

You must be wondering why did I quote Roger Federer in a Gandhi titled post instead of a typical Gandhi quote on his death anniversary (30 January).  I want you to pause at this moment and read the above quote again, mainly because most of us just read through viewpoints without really considering the merit of the words written. Roger is probably referring to an action in the mind, a state of mind of winners which you may associate with success. In short you’d find it attractive. Now I would like to draw your attention to the quote below by Gandhi.

“Man and his deeds are two distinct things. Where as a good deed call forth approbation and wicked deed dis-approbation, the doer of the deed, whether good or wicked always deserves respect or pity as the case may be. Hate the sin and not the sinner is a precept which though easy enough to understand is rarely practiced, and that is why the poison of hatred spreads in the world. ”
-         MK Gandhi, India

Though most of us would believe that to even analyze some brave statements made by stalwarts like Gandhi would mean you have to be like him or live a life as pristine as his. I, however, differ on this. To me every legend comes with special blessings that he/she is able to expand and live up to its acme. None of us are same as they; does that mean we reject all their ideas?

I am not here to debate Bapu’s idea if a slap should be retorted back by forwarding another cheek to be slapped again - as goes by a famous Gandhi quote in hindi. But I do want to content the idea that Roger rekindled in my mind about Gandhian philosophy being considerate when facing adversity.

Any kind of adversity is basically a challenge inside your head. Your enemy, your stress, your circumstances could be one of them. When faced with sudden changes or deliberate slow painful recovery, how and what tops your priority list while responding to that challenge – reveals who you are.

When Roger hits the ball, he doesn’t imagine hitting the opponent for hitting the opponent would neither make him any better player nor would it help him to score better. If anything it would desolate his game. Similarly everyone (not some but almost everyone) when faced with an adversity in life chooses first to blame the doer before he/she reacts to the situation. It is incomprehensible for us to believe that the doer and deed might be two different things and in reacting to the doer we spoil our response to the deed. Hence, Gandhi’s philosophy to be aware and considerate towards your adversity.

I am not trying to tell you that you put up with oppression or tolerate unto death. Those are extremes I can give no opinion on, but what I can definitely bring to notice is a side of untouched human behavior. Righteousness that refuses to accept that we too have the same components inside us to do as much bad as the doer of the wicked deed did, this refusal is the pitfall of the society today. In simpler words when we refuse to recognize that we too can be sinner at times (at least to some extent) due to our righteous perception of “Self”, we refuse compassion to the very result we want to generate and we refuse our own growth.

Any kind of growth needs direction in space and nourishment. The direction of the space (positive or negative alignment of intentions) and kind of nourishment (feelings) decides the fate of our growth. In short, to understand our adversity from a vantage point of compassion will feed our growth with compassion and understanding, while feeding it with anger and aggression will create cancerous surge. The doer, people in pain can do painful things. Only those who have been hurt can hurt others. Simply acknowledging their pain and then responding to their deed can open floodgates of creative responses and spur our own growth. Take into consideration case of Julio diaz (his story - ) who was just mugged by a masked teen on his way back to dinner. He could have blamed the doer as a wicked drug addict teenager who stole his money and left him hungry. Instead his compassion led him to recognizing the need of the mugger and eventually his own growth in experience.

Though this may not work all the time, I confess it is not easy either but it is those fleeting moments when you realize that as much as you recognize you have components of the bad then you also recognize you have components of the good, your true power. All of this without being judgmental about the doer. This is liberating. It is when you realize that anger, hurt, pain, frustration is just vacuum created by absence of love and compassion. Your true power is in like Roger says hitting the ball not the opponent; your true power is in knowing you cannot control the doer by being judgmental against him/her, it is in knowing that you are exercising your choice when you face the deed and resolve it rather than trying to correct the doer. A Harvard Psychologist and TEDtalk star Amy Cuddy puts it in her book PRESENCE “ A truly confident person does not require arrogance, which is nothing more than a smoke screen for insecurity”, could this also be said about groups? Us, we as a society ?.

Where can you use it right now? For the time being try it on American President D.Trump. Instead of trying to focus on rhetoric of Trump 24x7, the global community could address the underlining fears against immigrants. Had Gandhi been alive he would have probably done Prarthna Sabha or prayer for Trump, to fill his heart with more faith and love or given him roses like our bollywood movie Munnabhai MBBS to get well soon or called on to him to discuss his doubts and fears. Biases cannot be fought with biases, biases are created because there are mis-understanding or mis-representation of facts. Humans being logical are inclined to search for the truth, the illusion of which coming from the other side tricks us to believe that the larger group always speaks the truth. The story of Ramayana, Lord Ram or Gandhi’s inspiration was epitome of this leadership. While he recognized and waged war against the mighty Ravana for kidnapping his wife Sita, all through the Ramayana he never once uttered any ill word against Ravana giving utmost respect to the strength and knowledge Ravana had. Ram attacked the sin not the sinner, he played the ball not the opponent. Ram could free his mind and his Ego, thus he was the Purna Purusha “the complete being”. Can we even try?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Your true color

You know that nature supports many species who hide themselves by clinging closet to the color of their surrounding like chameleon, lizards,  frogs etc. They mend their ways and adapt to whatever it is in their life...  they fear for their lives,  their survival and thus develop means and ways that helps them hide take shelter in anonymity. 

Unlike big animals who stand out tall above the trees,  above the blades of grass who developed more ability to face their adversities and thus giving themselves more agility to engender a series special features that not only help them to survive but live and proliferate.

That is natures way of telling us that you can either hide anbe safe or you can be original and be exposed to danger.  You can either stand out and show your presence to the world,  to the predators,  to your enemies,  to your fears and in turn embrace the hard work that you have to do develop new ways to tackle those threats or die.  Or you can be like the chameleon who hides in cracks and fissures survives to stay safe and yet never live a day.

Today you need to ask yourself What is your true color?  Who are you the Lion or the Chameleon?

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Overcoming Fears

Human beings have a deep urge of knowing something. Our logical bend of mind is comfortable with whatever is known to it and uncomfortable with whatever is unknown. We feel pacified with the belief that whatever is known is rather always safe for us and unknown is always very unsafe because that keeps us in our comfort zone. Even though our own human mind is still quite unknown to us; we have learnt to find it safe based on the probability that it is largely behaving in a manner which is suitable to the harmony of masses. Even though some exceptional derelict minds have caused the world to go fear stricken like serial killers, fanatic leaders etc.

If you remember when you were a kid you must have been told stories of bad men and women , ghosts and monsters , big animals and humans or out of the world imaginary stuff to create fear in your hearts so that your mom could get you to either sleep early , eat quickly or stop you from doing something mischievous. Of course you did not know what they were exactly and what consequence would you land yourself unto so your logical mind induced into you the fear of unknown.

The amazing thing is even after we grow up we have never really overcome our fears we just swapped them with something else. Fear of ghosts or fear of water or fear of animals or fear of that sticky lizard on your wall was replaced with fear of examination or fear of public speaking or fear of revealing the truth or fear of future or fear of isolation, you name it and there would be somebody on this face of earth with that fear. So trust me you are not a loner in fear.

What is fear ? Basically an emotion that kicks-in in anticipation of a consequence waiting in future. The emotion kicks-in due to our deep seated beliefs in life Like
When your happiness is too dependent on the reaction of the world and their behavior, sometimes fear is from material objects and sometimes from our created ego eg the fear of being insulted or being misjudged etc.

Or when you start believing that nobody has failed ever and it is abnormal to fail or fear or when you are made to feel it is abnormal to fail.
Or when you are unable to trust that whatever the consequences in future all would turn out well and  thus unable to focus your attention on the task at the present.
Or when you are unable to accept that there are only little things that you can do with your conscious mind and for everything else your subconscious mind kicks in and dominates. The reason of our trying too much and inability to Let go off the results.

The reason for all the above beliefs is rooted in the idea that your destination can be reached through only one route, which means any hindrance in that route will instigate insecurity in reaching the destination and that is Fear.

Normally no man in this world is free from fear but it takes skillful management of the Monkey mind to control fear. Humans are the only beings capable of imagining their future consequences and thus controlling their mind would mean to give repeated training to the mind to imagine better consequences or at least results which are better than some worst case scenarios.
For example a student having fear of examination or fear of failure or fear of no admission can be trained to imagine results where he has performed better than average and secured admission in a decent college. Imagination of a believable consequence opens up the student’s mind to the various options which in turn acts as a sense of urgency to take steps to work on that consequence and also adds as a motivation. Most people mistake this as a state of day dreaming and shun it as their logical mind cannot see immediate results, but what they fail to see is that with every such anticipation of a better consequence the mind invariably starts selecting or doing things that enhances functioning of mind which in turn improves the future consequence. Thus winning over the fear completely.

Lets take another example a rather simple fear of spiders technically called “Arachnophobia” where you have a creepy feeling of having spiders crawling over you and hurting you. Though a sense of defense is quite natural for our body and is coded in our DNA but most often our mind plays tiny games with us because of some old recordings stored in our subconscious mind. This recording cannot be soothed down with any medicine, not that I am saying don’t have your meds if you need them all I am explaining is that such a phobia can be better addressed through a regular training of mind where the person can be introduced to imagine better consequences while a spider is around. Even if the person merely accepts the idea of doing this, the same mind which induces fear is forced to take a reverse gear and address the fear from a different viewpoint. The overcoming of fear would depend on the steps taken after that.

Here are a few things you can do to introduce yourself to take a reverse gear on your fear, whatever it is
a.     Slow breathing.
It is an immediate relief to any agitated mind. Count 10 to 1 is a proven and tested remedy.
b.    Next Imagine a good response for any event you dread for once stop being logical and try it. You can test it as game without worrying about how you are going to reach that state, like some video game simulate it to fit a situation.
c.     Get out and talk to people who have gone successfully through what you are going sharing experiences is a great way to remove fear.
You can choose to participate in a group that meets and shares. Or you can simply meet people who you think have grown over your fear and gain more confidence.
d.     Appreciate your efforts you take to counter the fear every trial is better than not trying at all.
e.     Focus on what you desire; the reason for why you want to overcome the fear and decide it is way too precious so you cannot lose to fear or give up at all.
Everyone needs a KICK after which their fear vanishes in air. Once you have done all the above steps you would need a strong reason which would act like your Boss and command your mind to banish the fear, for that you have to know what you want to be or to do once the fear is gone in short what is your strongest reason to fight that fear. That my friend is your Kick.
f.       Have something you can put your faith on , imagining that a higher power is always there to help you always helps. Call it God or Energy or whatever in words but believing that something good is helping you helps to tread past the fear easily.

Most people think that pushing someone to eliminate fears is the correct way of working on it. The fear of public speaking is a classic example of it. A person is pushed to his edge and embarrassed more in the process because he is asked to face his fear without properly initiating his mind to overcome it. Unfortunately fears are deep built inside it can be overcome only with stepwise encouragement and instilling confidence into your subconscious mind, knowing each individuals “Kick” then the fear gone will never return.

Like an advertisement shows “Darr ke aage jeet hai”…….

Friday, May 17, 2013

Sacrifice -- a new meaning

There are few words in the dictionary that confuse me. One of them is Sacrifice. Today I will talk about this.

There are some words that are a part of our moral and legal life. They are designed to stream line our social life in such a way that they would provide us with long lasting happiness. However we have misconstrued their meaning in such a way that they are now a cause of our pain than happiness. Sacrifice is one such word , I shall just try to enhance its real meaning as I have understood to bring back that long lasting happiness again.

How do you feel if I ask you to Sacrifice something on behalf of something else? Do you feel good elated? Happy sad mixed feelings.. A desire of wanting to have both the “something’s” and yet unable to have them together. Definitely a feeling of loss I’d say.

Sacrifice in my mind is an act of giving up something (cause 1) that was an existing or present source of your happiness for something else (cause 2) that will presumably give you happiness in future or for duty towards something or someone.

Duty means something that you are “due” for. Duty comes from the word “due” and Sacrifice comes from the word “sacred”. Together they shall mean to do something sacred that is due.

This brings us to the brink of morally sacred or not, right or wrong, legal or illegal etc. All this is debatable depending on the moral fabric of the person or what he/she prioritizes in their life. Because that is how people choose what is important to them in the present and what shall be important to them in the future thus you can sacrifice whatever is less important to you. In short there are no fixed parameters of sacrifice which will give same happiness to both you and me. For example duty towards parents, loved ones, friends, society, motherland, planet or nature, religion, humanity etc each one of us can have completely different priorities to address.

When we address words like Sacrifice in our everyday lives, we create feelings of giving up unfortunately not by will but by force of “Duty”. A set of standards set up by others in the name of duty. So we create a feeling of powerlessness, as if I am giving up something for want of something better in return. Thus creating expectations, with happiness due on future events. For example a parent sacrifices today’s material need for future of the child, partly internally expecting the child to love and care for them in older age. A feeling of giving up something today hoping to cover it up with happiness in future.

But life is not the same, some of us get good returns in the cause that we have given up our happiness for and some of us do not get anything in return. That sours our taste towards life and eventually we start acting selfish after sometime. Now we have to break this phenomenon and see Sacrifice in its new meaning.

The reason for this phenomenon is “constant feeling of loss and fear of return in future” , yes we do it all the time unknowingly even in our most unconditional relationships we do it … even parents do it that is why they feel so betrayed in their older age. Unfortunately all this time we have the tendency of blaming the one who is supposed to fulfill that happiness for you in the future let us say for parents hurt children are blamed but blaming them will not solve the pain that has already been created. Rather a little renewing on the concept of Sacrifice can.

Sacrifice is over shadowed by the word Duty. However we have been taught to first fulfill our duties towards everyone and at the end towards ourselves. This is the crux of the problem that starts with sacrifice and ends up making us selfish. A constant denial of our wants and needs over the time deeply creates feeling of loss and powerlessness which transcends into a physical or emotional outburst later.

As soon as we are born we are assumed to fulfill our duties towards our parents, family, nation, humanity etc. What we essentially forget is our first duty much before than these duties is towards “I” the self and no this is no selfishness , it is merely accepting the fact that once you are put in this body it is your prime duty to fulfill certain needs of it like food , clothing , love , peace etc. Simply recognizing this will make sure that you never compromise with certain basic needs of yourself which are reason of your primary happiness, everything else that you “let go” must be considered as bonus.

A)   However as each person is different the requirements of basic happiness will be different. For example for a solider his motherland is more important that his survival but for how much and how long?? These days we have seen many who would give up on their motherland for some rupees it means that their basic need of happiness was not clear and the need was never met. So a set of counseling is required to check “what exactly is the basic need?” – let each one of us sit back and really check on our needs.

It is good to know inside ourselves that I cannot sacrifice more than this limit than do it and regret later. Example someone can live 1 new pair of clothes in an year on giving up everything else the person must remind himself that I am satisfied as my basic need has been met already everything else is a bonus. Check and Set your Priorities.

B)    Comparison is the biggest problem of confusion these days. It is easier said than done. We keep saying we must not compare our things with anyone, we must not live by standards set by others etc  but unknowingly we keep doing it all the time. I realized that when I set my standards my need was much less but when faced with comparison my MARK of basic need waived and it happened so fast that I could hardly keep a note of it till the time I felt vacuum.

To avoid this either we must repeat our basic need daily or if need be make alterations to it , increase or decrease the level of needs and talk to yourself about it. Such that a sense of power in instilled in. Let your mind accept that the decision or choice was done only after you met your basic needs. So your “Happiness” holds inside you.

C)    Stop being vague in setting needs. Yes a thing I realized was we vaguely set needs especially when it has to do with feelings. We all need love and none can deny that, so we all want our loved one’s happy. Thus we vaguely set limit. But when faced with situation of ethics or morals versus happiness of loved ones we fail to take the right decision.
So in my opinion we must set our needs in details.

For example if I want my loved one’s to be happy … then how much I am ready to give up on my decisions, my ethics or values , my ideas or notions and sometimes on clash  of two loved one’s whose happiness matters more. And Make sure you do not decide this with just feelings, be VERY VERY logical in convincing your mind about such needs.

And just in case you feel two people or two feelings are in equal position and you are not able to give up on either one. Then "Do not" rather ask your mind to show ways to hold both things together and trust me mind does show a new way. Be not desperate but Be confident.

D)   Get over past decisions and situations. As I said earlier when we Sacrifice “cause 1 present” for “cause 2 future”. We wholeheartedly expect the “cause 2” to be successful so that we can forget what we have given up. Unfortunately sometimes even “cause 2” fails miserably at that time, we create pain not just because we have lost “cause 2” but because we have lost happiness involved in “cause 1”.

First: Happiness is a wrong term we associate with every other mundane thing; we must refer it as comfort. So a little change in mind would be you had given up your comfort for “cause 2” not happiness.

Second: While making a choice between “cause 1” and “cause 2” be clear with your priority list… very very clear in details. Then choose a mindset which is empowering. For example “I have fulfilled my basic needs, my happiness is met and it is my decision to empower myself to live without cause 1 no matter what are results of cause 2”.

Life is not as short as people feel. If you can value each second and bless everything around you. You Live more than your life each day.

Like I have always said I practice what I write here. So I’ll share a method I use very often and which seems very powerful to me. It is a kettle and cup example. I tell myself that even though both kettle and cup are made to hold tea, their individual purpose and capacity and usefulness cannot be compared. Each one is a special one. This helps me big time over every day comparisons and temptations. 

Sacrifice if you must but your old habits. Everyone fails even I do but never fail to keep trying ;)

Adios :)

P.S -- Sorry everyone to keep you waiting for a long time , I was just engaged in many things in life. Shall try put up other posts on time. Sorry again.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Art of dealing with Negative Emotions of others -- Sympathy, Empathy and Compassion

Sometimes in life we are all confused as to what emotions to feel when something happens with someone else apart from me. When something happens to us it is very easy to categorically decide what I want to feel and think or do. But when you see a loved one’s of yours going through a certain pain or hurt … you become clueless how to handle and how to console the other person… how best to feel what they feel and yet not be a stress on them.

 The reason being we either touch their feelings so slightly that it doesn’t help them or we dwell so deep that we return exhausted and devoid of our own state of mind. I kept wondering about what attitude we should  have for problems in which we are not directly involved but our loved ones are, I am bothered about this because we are all social beings and not alone in the scene of the world. We cannot have a safe life if we know how to deal with our own feelings but have no clue how to deal with feelings of others. Our attitude and mindset creates a huge impact on our relationship and that goes unsaid.

When I go through some hurt or pain, I have noticed people behave in amazing ways. They fumble, they wonder, they cry, they make others cry etc but yes none is aware of what is my need at that point of time. Watching them amuses me as to how ignorant we are of how to behave with others in a sensitive manner. In today’s world where contact is limited to watching a friend’s icon on your phone, how do you know in what way to create a connection to relief the loved one of their pain?

I have not postulated anything new but have just rephrased a few words we use often with respect to attending feelings of others. These are 3 simple words often over lapped in their understanding and thus leading to confusions.

They are Sympathy, Empathy and Compassion.

Sympathy is to be able to recognize the feeling inside other person. Any person who says “I sympathize with you” is able to see and be aware that you are in pain. The personal zone of feelings is still separate from the one who feels pain but they at least accept the presence of pain.

For example – When you see a beggar on street, you are able to sympathize with his condition.

  • This begins by feeling pity or sorry at the state of other one.

  • It is a bit of depressing state because sympathizers are never able to judge the intensity of pain nor are they able to provide what to do next. 

  • Also they remain as intact in terms of their energy exchange between individuals. Mostly words are sensed but do not cross effective energy to the person in pain.

  • They can provide you with unwanted advice whether you need it or not. Willing or unwilling.

Empathy is to be not just aware of presence of pain but feel the intensity of pain . It is usually generalized by the term “Stepping into someone’s shoes” which means I expand my horizon of feelings into your feelings. There is a sense of urgency in paying attention because the pain bothers the empathizer and the person in pain equally or sometimes more.
For example – If a child falls then a mother feels the pain of a child with as much intensity as the child or sometimes more. 

  • There could be a feeling of sorry state or no sorry state depending on the conditioning of the empathizer. Though most empathizers do feel sorry.
  • The intensity is felt very strongly. Sometimes more than the person hurt, it adds a hint of exaggeration depending on the sense of person involved.
  • The most important point is that empathize invest a lot of energy of their own into feeling the intensity , which eventually drains them out completely and creates a sense of pain within. It happens mostly with those who have gone through with a similar kind of incident and they revisit their complete incident while empathizing. So empathizing involves fatigue. Sometimes empathizers unknowingly invite lot of pain on their side while seeking to comfort another.
  • They too can give you much advice, you might not want to follow up with it but they stress on their experience to let the advice be accepted.

Compassion is a step ahead of empathy. It is to empathize with the person without draining your energy and finding a way out of solving those feelings. Compassionates never sit idle, they move out of pain zone which is build during empathizing and they look for solutions. They assist, support and in turn reinstate faith and power inside the other person.
For example – If you fall while walking with a compassionate person. He will not cringe, not cry nor exaggerate. He will simply put hand out for you to hold and get up.
  • They never go down to sorry state; rather they get into observing state. They observe the pain inside another person and are able to accept that pain is “present-- now”.
  • The intensity is felt strongly but never exaggerated. They can enumerate exact emotions of yours if you ask for but will never undo your own capacity of overcoming them. They’ll always state presence of doing more than presence of feeling.
  • They do not waste their energy while feeling for others. Rather they divert it. They divert it to doing something about it. The event horizon ends as soon as the pain is confronted and the doing horizon beings. They are solution oriented and hence they never feel fatigued no matter how many feelings they have encountered through the day.
  • They do not give advice, they show you the path or give you support and then leave it onto you to accept or reject that support. They increase your faith in your own capacity of doing something for yourself. They do not give you themselves; they give you the tool to work.

Most of us fall into the category of empathizers. The reason for being either of the two and not compassionate is our deep sense of attachment to the subject in pain. While empathizers react exactly the same way as the subject in pain does so it gets easy to attract lot of negative energy around the sufferer. Like your friend breaks off with someone , the usual reaction that comes from us is to react and speak ill about the ex of my friend… one thing we do not understand is that the person in hurt is already low on energy and doesn’t really need a heavy environment of negative energy around. How does my bashing of friends’ ex justify my affection for my friend?? In turn I am abusing the choice and the energy invested my friend in that relation. This is how empathizers pull down the sufferer more rather than empowering him.

In turn Compassionate people are solution oriented. They address emotions but with an angle of providing right kind of support. They nudge and push the sufferer to take charge of his/her own life and not spoon feed him/her. They are aware that pain exists and it will only go when replaced with something more positive. Compassion makes you aware of a perfect Inner Self absolutely capable of doing justice to the person once the pain is over.

The expansion of inner I shows you the reason the universal laws of functioning the idea that hurt is only superficial and an effect of what has by gone. You then become the part of the solution and stability than problem and anxiety. Compassionate person is more like a guide providing a tool to you, the person might even provide you with user manual but will never doubt on your capability of using it nor will he ever abuse the pain or the pain giver and create negative energy around you.

Some people may consider this as less sensitive than empathizing or even afar from reality. How can you ignore the pain inside a person?? How can you not blame the situation?? But the truth is your feeling pain for someone else never really reduces pain for anyone, only when the person in pain accepts it as reality then the pain starts dissipating. Blaming the situation inks at reversing the wheel of time which unfortunately is impossible. It only adds to more guilt and shame. So Compassionates stay away from such tactics. Compassion is practical and solution oriented … it is to have feelings without being emotional, to be critical but with a meaning, to have objectivity without being obsessed with object.

I usually suggest you methods of working on an idea, of course I have come up with a working way too but a rather simpler one. The biggest reason I could understand we are not able to be compassionate in true spirit is our feeling of owning. Yes the more we own the more we join ourselves to it (empathize) and the one which we do not own we do not join to it at all (sympathize).

So in my method … you start treating every one as a child…. I mean all your loved one’s but not yours, of someone else and you become a care taker of that child.
For e.g. If you have a child with you of someone else and the child falls down somewhere … do you feel the pain with the same intensity as the mother of the child would have felt ??? No we don’t. But we feel the pain and then help the child as per our responsibility and give him aid.

This is owning while not owning at all.
When you enter the mindset of owning but not owning you know you are not the parent and thus not deeply attached so you feel the pain but less intense more so you make the child smile and help me stand on his own feet without extra baggage of advice. You learn to understand you are not responsible to be the master of destiny for the child and you cannot be, let the onus of problem giving stay with Supreme ... you just plainly be the Care taker nothing more nothing less.

I could have advised considering each other as Souls or brothers and sisters etc but the reason I did not suggest this is because it seems Impossible to replicate that in relations like parents and child, husband and wife or even some friends. But when you say treat all your loved ones as Child and Care Taker. The limitations end.

Every relationship whether parent child – husband wife – friends etc whatever your relation is it can be easily adaptable to a Child and Care taker role. The idea is to divert the mind from pain to support and solutions that only a Care taker will do and Owner will always be in the fear of losing and thus can never become compassionate.

I am personally guilty of empathizing and draining my energy out I am trying to move to the next step and learning. Like I always say I too am a part of process of changing and improving myself. I have been owning my relationships for long in Owner mode and now I am slowly turning into Care Taker mode. So be a part of journey of change with me.

Happy Compassionating.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Attraction/Distractions or Attention

It is that time of the year when school children are occupied with books. They are pressed with studies and rugged through time. Time bound schedules, ample of course work to study and yet their mind wanders away most during this time of the year. It is here that attraction, distraction and attention comes into play.
Though attraction or distraction is not just something we encounter as children during our studies but eventually it is kind of a habit a mind develops over the time. Just that the mind of a child is still young enough to be trained and adapted better to attention than that of an adult. Today we shall discuss about any kind of attraction or distraction experienced by young or adult.

I kept wondering why or for what reason are we attracted towards something willingly or unwillingly. In this process of churning my mind for this topic I realized how varied meanings we have for the same thing. How a single explanation cannot satiate every person because of perceptional differences. I realized that we are actually a bunch of too many flowers of which many are dry and many smell foul , yet we continue to hold on to them only fearing if we leave them we would have nothing better.

Attraction is a force of pulling something/someone towards something else/someone else. Distraction on the other hand is a deviation of something/someone from the already aligned towards something/someone. Both I would deal as a means of ATTENTION deviation, one is willingly and other unwillingly.

Let us take it as subject and object. Then by definition it would be force of pulling a subject towards an object. Again people are free to choose their subject and object here, it is applicable to both in living and non living world. So when a subject is being pulled of its attention towards an object willingly is Attraction but when a subject is being pulled to give attention to object unwillingly is Distraction.

Usually people come up with instances like I am being attracted towards her or I was attracted towards this song etc. The statement is flawed it gives the person a sense of helplessness and absence of control, it is self inflicting choicelessness. Why you ask? Because ideally if you are not willing to deviate your attention towards something and yet you find yourself putting your mind into the object then it is deviation. So the statement should have been I am being distracted by her or I am being distracted by this song etc. In this statement you are giving a subtle hint to your mind that you do not want to pay attention to something and it is violation of your mind, so it must be stopped while in the earlier one you were yourself willing and yet helpless in holding your attention. That explains how attraction and distractions are grossly misunderstood in everyday life that adds to confusion in our sub conscious mind.

Before I begin anything we must understand the concept with which mind works for either distractions or attractions.

The basic idea of mind (subject) is to learn to analyze differences between objects. This is done through its 5 vital senses and 5 subtle senses. Physically and mentally the differences are analyzed by the intellectual capacity of mind. Let us understand this with an example I call it example of a “White Room” – If a mind is placed in a white room hypothetically exactly same on all side then the mind will eventually slow down its process of creation of differences thus reaching to a state where it will feel neither attraction nor distraction. If in case you now introduce two points in that room Red spot and Green spot. Being different from existing state mind will now pay attention to the two spots. Eventually the mind will be attracted to the one of whichever color it prefers or has a set of impressions already attached to it. This tells us that our attachment to various things decides the intensity of attraction/distraction to that object while differentiating from existing surroundings.

In real world situations pertaining to our attention is more complex. Like I said mind is always looking out for things with more differences, more separation, more analysis and more complexity that is its sheer nature of being creatively fulfilled. Mind has a certain flow of energy while doing a work, so once you create a thought of regularity (not able to create newness or differences or lack of creativity) it hinders that flow of energy. For e.g. mind has a steady flow of energy while you are studying , when you create thoughts of non-newness your attention is bound to get distracted towards anything that shall add that newness to your thoughts.

 Mind energy is like electricity it wants to flow freely and creatively analyze and resolve things, but our attachment to certain ideas actually stops that creative flow and like electricity when faced with resistance it flows towards lower resistance – mind does the same. For e.g. while you are working(work =object 1) you are attracted (willingly) towards a beautiful girl (girl = object 2), because when compared object 2 has more newness than object 1 that is because of already feeded information in your mind …….. to this add to the fact that you will state I am attracted – a feeling of helplessness yet willingness thus there is no stopping.
Mind always has an image what it will be like to be with what you are attracted too. So you create a future scene and enjoy it because your present seems boring and regular. The ”What if ??” actually creates a longing process and then you let it flow and flow. Mind creates a no pain zone in presence of such an attraction. Soul wants energy to flow as soon as it creates an hindrance on one side its opposite allows flow of energy thus attraction.

So you may ask what is a way out of it? I am not sure a certain steps will work with everyone because I said perceptions within matter a lot. I might go to a book stall and may be attracted to Self help section of books while you may be attracted to romantic fiction, different attractions. Just a few ideas to be shared.

1. Firstly change the language and make a conscious choice of language.
 If you are willing to deviate your attention then accept it as attraction and don’t mull over it too much or else if you really do not want the attention to be diverted use the word “Distraction”. This will remind the mind of your already existing attention to an older subject.

2. Feedback Elevate self or Reject object
Since only two things are responsible for Attraction and Distraction. Feeding right thoughts either about the subject or object is very important. Once you have acknowledged it is unwanted attention object you feed information that elevates your idea about yourself at a very high place or neglects the idea about object. For example if you are in a room and someone is banging the table continuously you know it is Distraction which means it is irritating and unwanted so you elevate yourself higher by stating that you are either enjoying the sound or by reminding yourself that you have much to do with the object you already have at your hand thus rejecting the diversion.
If you are into math’s and a sound is irritating you and you cannot stop it then either accept it as part of silence rhythm around you or remind yourself that math’s is more interesting than the sound.

3. Feedback Regular
If it is a regular distraction then to hold your attention remember that mind is like a child do not hold it too tight or do not rebuke it hard chances are that it will go against you. Also you cannot leave it on its own so a balance has to be achieved.
Slow and steady instructions work. Specific and systematic instructions hone your sharpness and attention. Like everyday add feed to your mind about your likeness towards an object you want to keep. This can be studies/relationship/work anything. Your will power + everyday feed back to the object will subconsciously hone your attention and in turn convert into a genuine attraction for you. Then you will realize you did not have to work too hard to holding your attention on it.
The trick is to increase a sense of will power by everyday 1 minute exercise + 1 minute every day. (+ means increase holding attention to object already at hand.)

4. Avoid going to Addiction level.
Do not wait for one day when deviations will go on its own. It never does. I have faced this already and I know it doesn’t go just by analyzing and knowledge. Do not let it go to the level of addiction and then expect it to revert back. If you are addicted to TV then it won’t go away just one fine day. You have to take some steps consciously for its removal, pushing too hard will fail and pushing too soft will not uproot it. So work steadily with steady pressure but do work on it.

5. Most important of all is your CHOICE and a REASON to move away.
You choose – your will power increases – you choose again in shorter times then longer times one attraction at a time. Keeping it simpler deals better with Distractions. Give your mind a solid reason of liking some else than liking this (addiction/distraction).
 For e.g. when people are in love they change their preferences because their mind finds a solid reason of liking X compared to Y. So we see dramatic changes in people who are in love. Just reverse choose to love yourself.

In short
You take a conscious step forward for Acceptance of Problem (Attraction/Distraction) --- then you decide if it is Willingly / Unwillingly --- then you choose to cut it off or keep it by your language (using right words of attraction or distraction) --- then you choose to feedback positive elevated thoughts about self or reject object --- then you choose feedback everyday by 1 minute exercise -– Choose repeatedly by providing valid reason.

As I say in all my posts these things are not a one day affair but if you are genuinely trying to work over an attraction and keep your mind stead fast on something then trust me in some time you’ll reap benefits. There is no one on earth who will say I have never had deviations or distractions but sane are those who are able to keep it in check and fold their mind according to their will. In my personal opinion I do not like telling my mind that it is like horses without control instead I keep repeating you are horses and you love to be in my company.  
So Aspire for greater targets and you shall achieve them. Impossible is nothing.

Adios :)
P.S -  I myself have worked these steps out and failed several times then again tried partly successful so I am sure this is working good.

Interesting posts to see

Related Posts with Thumbnails